Interview (cutting room floor material)

 

AP Chuckles: Can I get you anything? A bottled water, a feather boa or some classic animals crackers?

Me: I will have your soul! HAHAHAHAHA (CUT)

AP Chuckles: (to the Janitor) Dude, did you just zombie crap your pants? Holy sh!t that is nasty!

Janitor: You try eating from the trash every day and see how rosy is smells! (CUT)

Me: Can I get some Kelly Clarkson in here to set the mood?

AP Chuckles: Hold on let me just open the plastic on her CD. Oh look it comes with a complimentary tampon. Here you go! (CUT)

AP Chuckles: I think we take this over the top. Do some Entertainment Tonight / TMZ dirt stories?

Me: We can delve into how many times I have been violated by aliens and children’s dolls come to life. (CUT)

AP Chuckles: I am thinking of playing Wipe Out by the Fat Boys featuring the Beach Boys. We can collectively rap it out. What do you think?

Me: Do they drug test you guys at this station? (CUT)

Me: Can we open a window in here? It smells like Janitor a$$ after eating Taco Bell for a month straight in here.

AP Chuckles: (gagging noises)

Janitor: Hahahaha. Here comes some more! (CUT)

AP Chuckles: Have you ever played paintball naked or drunk or drunk and naked?

Me: Seriously, no drug testing at this station? (CUT)

AP Chuckles: When you were a kid what was the most favorite thing you made in art class?

Me: I do not remember honestly. It was like finger painting or gluing crap to construction paper like cotton balls or macaroni or trying to make my cotton ball snowman look like Madonna during her pointy bra phase. (CUT)

Janitor: Have you met anyone famous?

Me: I’ve met some athletes like baseball players and football players and coaches over the years.

Janitor: No dumba$$ I meant like Hollywood actresses and stuff.

Me: I could’ve touched Weird Al Yankovic’s butt at the Westport Playhouse during his concert about 10 years ago but decided against it. (CUT)

Me: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

AP Chuckles: What are you doing?

Me: Singing a White Christmas.

AP Chuckles: Please stop. I think I heard a pack of dogs start howling outside. (CUT)

AP Chuckles: Was that a gunshot? Do you smell smoke?

Me: I didn’t hear anything or smell anything either.

AP Chuckles: Whew. Good. Been a little on edge here in our new Ferguson studio as of late. (CUT)

This was some of the material that did not make the final cut for the interview segments and you can see why. Hope you are enjoying the final two weeks of 2014. Peace and enjoy your time with friends and family.

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