May 9th 2017 (Tuesday) Maybe Talking About Elevators

So this is the piece I began yesterday until it seemed like I was going to cry like a little baby from very, very uncomfortable pain and discomfort that may be kidney stones. I’m not going to get too graphic but it is not fun. Online research and consulting with the in-house redheaded nurse seemed to confirm the same diagnosis. Most recommendations seem to include ingesting a tanker truck quantity of water. From there the witch doctor remedies vary greatly and in some cases seem to contradict others. One website said drink water and lots of lemon juice. Another said to avoid lemon juice and vitamin C. One site called for Ponytail. So if I get some short horse tail I’m good? Bestiality seems like a steep price to rid the body of its ills but I guess someone tried it with some degree of success. Just makes me wonder what possessed this person or persons to take that ‘logical’ next step? Another called for Dandelion Root. Really? Eating the yellow weeds out of the yard? Really?! Kidney beans…a certain amount of logic there but who sits down with an open can of kidney beans (light or dark) and starts chomping away? One of the top ten or so recommendations was pomegranate juice. Not the watered down pomegranate juice cocktail that’s like 10% juice but the real deal. Of the suggestions found online, I think I will try the water and pomegranate juice along with a call into my physician whom I have not seen in awhile.  Hopefully this passes quickly. Having the sensation of urgently having to pee all the time is distressing to the point of madness.

With that piece of business put to rest, let’s talk about elevators. Anyone who calls themselves a fan of the late George Carlin probably knows his elevator bit about what there is to do in the elevator: The only thing to do in the elevator is to not look at the other people.

My take on the elevator is about the same. Earlier this year I accepted an employment offer and went to work for a new company. This company is on the fifth floor and I ride the elevator at least twice per day (yes I’m lazy). Yes I could take the stairs but after walking from the parking garage’s second level down the stairwell and across the common area in front of the office building, I want that 20 second elevator ride. Where the challenge comes in is entering the elevator and getting to my floor.

Why? What’s the big deal? It’s a nice elevator system and I’ve never had a problem with any of the three elevator cars. What comes into play here is elevator etiquette. If you reach the elevator first, you push the button and wait for those 5-7 seconds while the doors remain open and then with excruciating slowness glide shut. Sometimes there is no one around when you arrive at the elevator and boom-boom-boom it’s done. Enter elevator, hit button, door closes, car ascends or descends, car movement stops and doors open. Ride over, done deal booyeah!

For me, here is where it gets a bit annoying: You arrive at the elevator, hit the button and you hear footfalls or glimpse someone halfway rushing to catch a ride in your car. The doors have already started to close and you need to decide if they are close enough to arrive before the doors close completely or if you should risk putting your hand in between to ‘hold’ the doors. Did you make eye contact? Did they verbally ask ‘someone’ to hold the elevator? Is there room left (if multiple people catch the car at the same time)? How many times do you hold the car for late arrivals wanting to ride up or down? In an empty car scenario, you can gamble a bit if the potential elevator car riders are strangers. You can pretend you don’t hear them approaching and subtly hold the DOOR CLOSE button. Or you can simply hit the button for your destination floor and move to the back corner to give yourself maximum deniability if the approaching person should manage to ‘catch’ the car before the door closes. Oh, sorry didn’t see you there I was on my phone and in my own little world. But secretly I am like, damnit doors why didn’t you close quicker?

I know this seems petty and stupid and I’m not defending myself. But sometimes when you are sitting in the elevator or if you are hurrying to catch the elevator as the doors are closing, that is the universe saying TOO DAMN BAD, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME! Maybe it’s not that deep. Who knows. But for the most part I think other people get minutely annoyed just the same as me. Whoever gets to the elevator and pushes their button and the designated time lapse occurs, then the elevator should move and everyone else be darned! There will be another one along soon. Maybe you should have been 10 seconds sooner. Ever think about that? Huh? It’s not all about you! Wait, is this an elevator rant or a traffic rant? I momentarily forgot.

I think that is a great place to make a stopping point because I’m once again getting that I have really got to pee sensation and I cannot tell if it’s real or Memorex.

Have a better day than yesterday and we shall meet on the ground floor of some concept real soon.


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