Um, I mean good afternoon of course!
Sorry for the crankiness right out of the gate but it’s just been one of those days. What kind of day am I referring to? Well, do you ever have one of those days where every single thing in existence seems to bother or irritate you? If not, good for you and go away. For me, there are just some days where from the first moment I crack my eyes open at 12:34am (and again at random intervals over the next five or so hours) that I just want to pull myself into an imaginary turtle shell and shut out all things. And I do mean all things.
To you this may seem petty and pouty probably because it is. But once you get into this frame of mind of having to ‘adult’ , everything in your guts cries out in defiance. I imagine the feeling is similar to that of a tired child sitting there with arms crossed and proverbial scowling face. But what are you going to do?
Most days to circumvent this funk, I lean on creative outlets like Netflix, writing for my blog or trying to mentally count down to the next softball action. This approach is also best paired with not speaking lest the normally present sarcasm monster grow and stomp free amongst the peoples.
While I have my hand in the ranting cookie jar, let me go off about this: I am tired of seeing links to articles, advertisements really, claiming to have the end-all-be-all of healthy dietary supplements or super foods. A typical title may read: 6 Foods that will make you live forever. Because, like a sucker, I click the gosh darn link and try to better myself (health-wise), only to find that the link moves you to a site with a slideshow or a page with nothing on there detailing these miracle foods or pills. Instead, there are testimonials from doctors who have never seen such results in all their 75 years of practicing medicine! Or a consumer recounts how they felt healthier and grew their brain function 350% overnight from the great revelation of these foods! But nowhere to be found is the ‘tip’ or bottom line cure all. All that is needed is a simple sentence or two stating: OK eat some leafy green veggies and stop eating Doritos because those will kill you in seven years. Or if you have hair, you can buy supplement ‘X’ at Walgreens and after consuming it for a months, all your cholesterol will be gone! No, it’s a scam dance to try to get you hooked and to leap to their checkout page for a product that is 100% completely free to try with no obligation whatsoever. But they will require your credit card number…to cover a nominal fee to offset shipping costs. And oh yeah by the way, in the super fine print: This is now a subscription service/product and unless you explicitly cancel via email, phone call, website opt-out and secret message on the leg of a bird at your local zoo, you will be charged $69.95 monthly until this scam company goes out of business in 16 months. Whatever. I’m over it.
Reeling it in a bit…and 5…4…3…2…1. Ok deep breath. Exhale and smile. On some occasions this is the runaway train in my brain. An external stimuli turns a simple grouchy day into ranting and raving at the sky in hopes that the clouds will expand 10,000 fold, fill the atmosphere, immobilize all the jerks of the world and return things to a simpler time when the concept of gaming consoles was still years away. Exhale and smile Part II.
With less than four minutes until I have to do the thing that I often forget to do and it irks me by the way, I will step back and shrug. What are you going to do? Adulting will be the end of civilization, I promise you this. Mark my words! Resist it! Revolt! Curl up into the fetal position and if anyone speaks to you, give them the thumbs-up signal. Then slowly twist the thumbs-up into a thumbs-down gesture.
Until next time my friends, pretend as though recess has just begun and then find a way to fake it once recess is really over.