Diet Soda

Good day! I’m here today to talk about a very grave topic: diet soda. And when I say grave, I mean it tastes like dirt from around a grave was put into the product! I am not sure what level of self-hate forces people to drink diet sodas, but please, let’s stop the suffering! What is bringing this on from me right now? I’m glad you might have asked that question.

Yesterday morning I was in a rush and skipped grabbing my usual Full Throttle energy drink from the fridge at home. So when I got to work and my room temperature bottle of water was my primary option to drink, I caved and went to the vending machine. My number one preference (Sprite) was unavailable, just an empty slot. So my next best option, in my brain, was the A&W Root Beer. In the machine the bottles were in the upper right hand corner and the bottles were turned sideways so I couldn’t 100% read the label. Like many other options in the machine (Coke, Pepsi, etc.), there were two rows of my choice…or so I thought.

You know what they say about assuming.

Well, I don’t know if it was my fat fingers or just the universe telling me I’m getting fat but my selection was locked in and then vended. Instead of regular A&W Root Beer, I received the Diet A&W (Made with Aged Vanilla!). The bottle was cold and the Nutritional Facts section said 0 Calories so I said, why not?

(((close your eyes and picture me making the bitter beer face while making low grade retching noises)))

Wow. That first taste was bad. But I tried to suck it up and make my purchase not so much in vain, so I tried a few more sips. The impulses to my brain informed me that I really did not like this diet soda. It tasted almost nothing like the full calorized version. Right now, the bottle is still sitting on my desk and is about 89% full. Really gross, nasty stuff. This was not my first encounter with diet soda either.

Many moons ago and on different occasions, I have tried the diet counter-parts to Coke, Pepsi, Mountain Dew and a few others. Each and every last time, the reactions from my taste buds and impulses in my brain has been nearly identical. SPIT IT OUT! That is the primal reaction. For those people who say that diet soda tastes just like the regular versions, you are lying! If the diet versions really matched the ‘regular’ taste don’t you think the companies would just discontinue the regular versions and sell just the ‘healthier’ ones? But I guess some people have sentenced themselves to deadening their taste buds enough that the diet soda is consumable. I am not on that list. Diet soda is gross and even more un-natural than soda itself. Besides water, nothing should have 0 calories. Shame on soda companies for this abomination to the universe! Once again, I curse my chubby fingers for bringing me into contact with such a vile drink! And shame on me for not learning my lesson; one that has been taught to me over and over again.

Hopefully your day features full flavored beverages.


<<11-30-2027>> – Scott Latta’s Social Lair

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