Good day and may the silliness be with you.
Today the world lost The First Lady of Sci-Fi in Carrie Fisher. Princess Leia as she was known to our home planet has gone the way of Alderaan. She was here one minute and then the next it was as if a million voices cried out and then were silenced. Perhaps she has been reunited with the original Obi Wan Kenobi actor Alec Guinness who became one with The Force back in the year 2000. To my knowledge most of the core characters are still amongst the living unless you count Sebastian Shaw who passed in 1994…even though his role was shoe-horned in to make Darth Vader a three-headed monster counting the man who voiced him and the man who gave him his mannerisms.
Maybe in the new films we will see some form of Isla Fisher but that may just be wishful thinking on my part. Now if some of you are reading this with trepidation that I may reveal some spoilers from the 8th movie…you can relax. I have not seen Rogue One as of yet so I am oblivious to the plot points. What I did want to do is give some Hmmmm thoughts. Because I am a goofball and tend to let my mind cross over the median instead of following that galactic two-lane hyper highway to wherever, let’s begin…
Darth Vader is easily the most recognizable character of the triple trilogy. His evil legacy is the stuff of only the most elite legends. Whether you love him or hate him or (gulp) identify with him – he has some challenges of his own. For starters, look at his suit. How does the man drop a deuce? Is there a concealed back hatch like in the old-fashion long underwear where he can unlatch a couple of screws and a section swings up or out to the side to allow the excretion of excrement? And does he have natural free and easy bowel movements or does he have to ‘use the force’ to make his poo? If anyone is a candidate for IBS, I would think Lord Vader would be at the top of the list. The stresses of running an empire with an overbearing superior and grossly incompetent underlings that you literally want to strangle would be almost too much to bear. I can almost guarantee that he has to take some sort of fiber supplement to avoid being viciously irregular. As an amusing thought, how about when Darth crop dusts the control room? Come now, that has to smell like the very essence of the Dagobah swamps. Wooweee!
OK we will let the air clear on Anakin Skywalker’s alter ego and move on to give Chewbacca some love. Not literally though, kind of like on screen. How come all the main characters have moved on to make families of their own but Chewie is still flying solo in Wookieeville? The tall and silent type…you would think he would have a whole harem of Wookiee ladies vying for his furry affections. Unless…maybe there is something that he hides from the cameras. Maybe Chewie is so deep-rooted with vices that he cannot connect to another Wookiee. Perhaps Chewie has an anti-fur fetish and only takes hairless Wookiee ladies back to his privates quarters if you catch my drift. Sadly he could be caught up in a Sam Malone syndrome where he lusts for the hairless cat-like lady Wookiees only to become bored with them and casts them aside without being able to make any emotional connection. If only we could get an extra long therapist’s couch and a Kashyyyk translator to get to the bottom of this walking carpet’s psyche.
Now I may have ruffled some of the feathers of the terminally diehard fans who know that fictitious world better than they know their own. I could throw out that the planet Tatooine is a cold and ice covered planet but immediately a virtual hand would be held up. I would be chastised for confusing Tatooine with the ice planet Hoth. For this unforgivable transgression, I should be submerged in steaming Tauntaun guts. For of course Tatooine is a hot and waste-like desert planet and the complete opposite of the Hoth planet.
So to avoid exposing my surface knowledge of the movies without knowing the six degrees of Kevin Bacon facts about everything Star Wars, I will stick to being a goofball. I will point out that Star Wars is anti-family unit. Anakin doesn’t know who his dad is. His mom let’s him run off with complete strangers, granted it is to avoid being a slave but still. Luke hates his father and ultimately kills him. Kylo Ren and his daddy do not have a happy ending relationship. Just throwing this out there in case it escaped the viewers wanting to take their sons to go see these movies.
With these movies set in the future and in space, you have to wonder: how is the WiFi up there? I know If I get more than 15 feet away from the house and the WiFi signal goes to Hell. So of all these transmissions through countless miles, how many messages actually are received? What happens to the ships if they run out of fuel or solar energy or whatever they run on? Do they just sit out there and hope someone gets their distress signal and that they don’t get plowed by someone whooshing along in hyper-space?
On the topic of technology, how about those thousands of identical looking stormtroopers and the equally identical looking TIE fighters? How the Hell do you staff a ship with all these guys who look the same? How do they remember where they parked? How would you develop any interpersonal relationships when everyone looks exactly the same? Where are the lady stormtroopers while we are at it? Their uniforms would have to be tailored a little differently to accommodate their ladyness obviously but let’s not be sexist here. Women can fly and fight too. Just random things I think about that maybe no one has dared to think about because George Lucas and Co are like unto Gods when it comes to this story and continuing saga.
Just some things to ponder my friends as some of you venture into the theaters (some again and again) to view unfolding stories and backstories. This may not have been the blog you were looking for in regards to ultimate knowledge on the Star Wars universe but…may the enjoyment be with you.