HALLOWEEN 2014

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So this is one of my favorite holidays. Maybe its the candy. Maybe its all the scary movies on TV. Maybe its the opportunity to morph into another persona. Maybe its the embracing of one’s own inner dark side.

I definitively do not know why I really enjoy Halloween so much but I do. There’s a chilly nip in the air and a nick on my thumb from carving pumpkins aka Jack O’ Lanterns. Softball season is nearly completed with just a Halloween themed costume tournament this weekend at The Wolffs Softball Haven and then a benefit tournament the following weekend.

On the little people level (children not midgets – no offense to midgets) this holiday is a free pass to run from door to door playing dress up and scream at strangers for candy while the parents stand there with an entitled expression on their faces – like give up the candy fools! All these Ninja Turtles, zombies and characters from the Disney movies (Frozen) will flood the streets and community centers for a few hours that will resemble the last 30 minutes of the movie Gremlins. Then poof they will return to their homes to evaluate their spoils while sitting in the aftermath of their costumes with smeared facepaint and carmel coated teeth while mom and dad are sprawled on the sofa with an arm draped over their eyes.

In the mid-range adolescent ages, there are some scary zombie hobos, clever takes on super heros and such. Note: My longtime childhood friend Matt’s daughter created a costume – Captain Obvious – her superpower is saving the world from the Unobvious. There may be a small glimmer of hope for the future generations.

Then you hit the last group – adults and quasi-adults. In this group all bets are off except that 75 of the female ‘costumes’ are just an excuse to reveal some portion of skin. Fish net leggings? Low cut tops? Booty hanging out? Yep I believe I saw all these things in the Charlie Brown – It’s The Great Pumpkin TV special. Definitively the sluttiest holiday of the year depending upon what you do for New Years I suppose. Not much neutral area – either Nun-ish or nothing to the costume.

So Trick or Treat my friends and enjoy those popcorn balls and questionable homemade peanut butter candies. Soon we shall be elbow deep in turkey, pumpkin pie and year end festivities.

Before I leave you on this topic, let me put this in your brain. On average how many people (children and drunk adults) do you think urinate on themselves between the hours of 4pm to 8pm in the United States on Halloween? How many kids under the age of ten step in gum or discarded partially eaten candy or vomit while Trick or Treating? And finally, how many adolescent and adult females are caused to pee the themselves due directly to scares on Halloween (haunted houses, scary pranks, etc) versus how many adolescent males and adult males are caused to pee themselves via these same means? Something to research for next year I suppose.

Spoooooky Peace Out.
(ahahahahahaha – Vincent Price laughter)

Happy last hours in October 2014 ever.

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Political Campaigns

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Hello.
I am offering my services to any candidate running for any office. All that you need is to trash your opponent bad enough that by default you have to be the best remaining option for the position. Here is my generic smear commercial guaranteed to bring a win on voting day:

Did you know Moby Smith is pure evil in human form? He voted 87 times to make children of any race illegal. He hates puppies and kittens and anything cute. Moby Smith has never paid taxes and there are several hundred videos of him on YouTube pushing the elderly down very long staircases. Moby doesn’t use proper punctuation or grammar in his official correspondence. Moby shares your personal information with telemarketers and gives your email address to companies who send bogus email chain letters filled with viruses. Moby has never blinked once in his life and sleeps hanging upside down in a closet at a local Motel 6 covered in Cheeto dust listening to Justin Bieber songs he manually recorded to cassette tapes. Moby endorses manufacturing toilet paper for all public facilities that is ultra thin, coarse and has a representation of the American flag on each square sheet. Moby hates all mothers and fathers. Moby has pledged to help sinister cults hunt down and kill your best friend. Moby has vowed to make the national standard return to dial-up internet. He drinks Starbucks coffee from a used soft drink cup he found in a dumpster behind Hardees using a crinkle straw wrapped in the eyebrows of Hillary Clinton from four years ago. Moby does drugs. He will give drugs to kids. He will make your children sell drugs in schools. Moby will cancel The Walking Dead. Moby will replace our symbol of freedom in the bald eagle with a picture of something from Canada.

Now that you have the facts, its your civic duty to vote for anyone other than Moby Smith.

Disclaimer: Some of the facts about Moby Smith may or may not be true but even if 50% of this is true can you really take that chance?

Thank you in advance for your vote.   🙂

Pancakes

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OK I just bought these pancakes from the cafeteria at work because the network I work on is down so all my work that is dependent upon the network I cannot do.

So these pancakes I believe were cooked in 150% gluten material or all the combined harnessed hatred of a maximum security prison – the bacon that accompanied these pancakes was less greasy. Luckily I had a Kit Kat bar to get the ‘taste’ of the pancakes out of my mouth. Now before you all judge me on my balanced breakfast (2 very heavy weird tasting pancakes, 3 strips of pig bacon, a normal size 4-bar Kit Kat bar and a 20 oz Sprite) – this was out of the norm for me. Normally I would not splurge on this outlay of food or pretense of food. My routine on Friday at work is to try and wrap up all the loose ends from the week and typically I would have maybe a granola breakfast bar and a Sprite or big mug of ice water.

As I am typing this (8:32am on October 24th) it feels like the pancakes are fighting their way back up esophagus. This would be the point in the Tums commercial where the dude would hold his stomach and make a pained face while puffing out his cheeks.

Moral of my story – make your own pancakes or buy them from a reputable source.

Peace out and have a good day.

Women – and their (body) issues

Hello. I am a dude. I do not reside within a woman’s body although I frequently am accused of having a female’s mind. My apologies for that – now on with our show…

Women. Are. Crazy.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PCkvCPvDXk

In being on this planet for 42.25 years I have had my share of interactions with women and Oh My God they are insane. Crazy. Off the reservation. Loco. Nuts. Wacko. Bat Sh!t Wowza. No matter what your dress size, bra size, hair length, eye color, shoe fetish, dominant writing hand or whatever other female attributes – there is the crazy variable across the board. Granted some are not as severe as others but OMG please.

First off – whatever size you are is fine. Really. There is a guy (or gal if you walk on that side of the street) out there that you have stuff in common with who will appreciate you and be thrilled to be naked with you if you let him or her. But what about the guy (or gal) who says you need to lose weight or change this or that about yourself? Unless you are a degenerative slob with poor hygiene, you can safely ditch that person because they are an a$$hole. Really. Because no matter what you try to ‘fix’ they will always find something else wrong with you. It’s the truth. Now if you want to improve yourself i.e. become more educated, eat better meals, add more culture to your free time, get a better job or become a juggler for a neighborhood circus – by all means go for it. Just keep in mind you live in your body. If you have poor balance I wouldn’t recommend becoming a high wire walker. Sprinkle some common sense in there ya know.

There is something to be said for surrounding you (and your children where applicable) with good people who support and accept you even if you cannot accept yourself. In society its not hard to pick out people who are only out for themselves and focused on getting what they want with little regard for anyone it may impact: finance people stealing from their clients, dating site dudes/chicks only looking to hook up via whatever lies necessary to ‘get in and get out’, Craigslist people selling you a bad bill of goods to make a buck and disappear and so on and so forth. So to redirect to my point ladies, make friends with the person in mirror. The person you are looking at, even if they are a few pounds heavier than in high school, is the person you are now. Smile and stop lowering your standards or beating yourself up to be something that may never be or with someone who will never truly appreciate you.

Peace out – Have a grand Tuesday or whatever day it is in your universe.

Random Tangents

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Between my Facebook and Twitter followers I get a lot of people asking me where do I come up with the things I post. About 95% of the things I post are original thoughts or at least things that form in my brain out of thin air during my waking existence. The other 5% are cat videos I thought were cute or other stuff I thought was worthy of my stamp of approval.

On any given day, I may be sleep deprived or bored at work or frustrated in traffic or a mighty softball god (OK the last one may be a bit of stretch) – or a compilation of stimuli. Anywho I tend to think in the abstract quite a bit. Like how can I walk across the room and bump into a table or a chair or stumble on nothing but on TV zombies can navigate an obstacle course at a full sprint and never trip or miss a step?

Do butterflies suffer from gastrointestinal distress?
In what year were there the most reported deaths attributed to switch blade knives?
Do colorblind people tend to be more inclined to check the air pressure in their tires than people who see in full spectrum of colors?
What paintball color globally has produced the most champions?
Why does facial hair on a grandma feel more coarse than sandpaper?

Just a few of today’s thoughts in my brain. Multiply those by about 2000 and that’s what its like to live in my conscious brain – not even delving into my dreamscape.

Happy Hump Day Y’all! Peace.

Morality Revamped 2014

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Initially I was going to have a bland, benign little blurbish fluff piece on October. Cooler temps, falling leaves, noticeable changes in the populous wardrobe-wise but I had a different topic kind of tap me on the shoulder and say – hey what about me?

I do not consider myself a prude or overly judgmental. In the religion department I do not go to church but I do believe in God but probably not the traditional sense. That’s is as far I will take that topic because frankly its my opinion and like 99.9% of the people who believe in God or someone or something along those lines – we are all probably dead wrong – again just my opinion.

Now for the topic at hand – Morality is defined by Wikipedia as:

Morality (from the Latin moralitas “manner, character, proper behavior”) is the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are “good” (or right) and those that are “bad” (or wrong). Morality can be a body of standards or principles derived from a code of conduct from a particular philosophy, religion, culture, etc., or it can derive from a standard that a person believes should be universal. Morality may also be specifically synonymous with “goodness” or “rightness.” Immorality is the active opposition to morality (i.e. opposition to that which is good or right), while amorality is variously defined as an unawareness of, indifference toward, or disbelief in any set of moral standards or principles.

So I am going to boil this down to the beginning portion of the Wikipedia definition of good vs bad on intentions, decisions and actions. In today’s society of religious fanatics, twerkers, sexters, animal abusers, reality hook-up shows, blatantly corrupt politicians, celebrity suicides and the list goes on and on – is morality even a relevant term anymore? On the Point today, which is a local radio station, apparently they had a segment for most slutty experiences or some such for callers or texters to share their first-hand experiences. In this post Jerry Springer era where the most bizarre twisted behavior is trotted out for daytime television – what is really out of bounds nowadays?

Random hook-ups? Yawn. Drunken girl on girl experimentation? Bored. Threesome? Cliché. Homemade porn? Google and cringe. Sexting or Snapchat pix/video with a person you’ve never actually met in person? Probably 30% of the technology population is doing this so no dice.

So where does the line of disgust come into play at this point? Single people engaging in all sorts of debauchery is pretty much expected in today’s society and I would guess mostly the norm. Where I think morality may actually turn up is when relationship lines are crossed. People secretly sharing things behind the significant other’s back such as flirty Snaps (from the app Snapchat) with a ‘friend’. Sending overt innuendo in texts or Instant Messages (IM’s) with a ‘friend’. Intentionally withholding or misrepresenting your situation to another interested party. The 50 Shades of Grey area go on and on.

Today’s society is numb to decency anymore. We hear horrible things on the news daily but don’t flinch. In the culture of instant gratification and shock value, we just do not care. If its something we want to do badly enough and the probability of ‘not getting caught’ is high – caution to the wind and let’s do it. YOLO (You Only Live Once) is in the mind of nearly every non-sober person in bars everywhere when it comes to trying to find a good time and whatever follows that (read hopeful walk of shame). Even the most adamant church-goers, with their rock solid moral high ground, find money on the ground and do not look for the owner.

I’m not ranting here. I’m just saying look around. By the time girls get to driving age (most of them have had cell phones for years at this point), they have been exposed to an obscene text or Snapchat or IM or some other type of media on countless different apps if they are not already sexually active on some level. By that same age, guys are already exerting pressure to try to manipulate girls into ‘giving it up’ with whatever means necessary – from sweet talking her with compliments or mentally bashing her into a corner with her own insecurities – forever damaging her self-image. I am not going to sidetrack into same sex encounters for this piece because I believe their plight is similar just with slight variations.

Calling someone slutty or judging them based on their sexual history and variety is pointless and very much hypocritical. Everyone has regrets and learning experiences. Try to level things down to a view of – was the action or actions done with the intent of hurting someone or being selfish? If you are single and without commitment to someone else and want to have sex on the roof of an apartment building with another unattached single person using a rubber chicken, a harmonica, a box of used tampons and a fire extinguisher while a creeper from Facebook you paid $20 films the event for upload to your Instagram account – who cares? (Besides the decency content supervisors at Instagram).

Morality comes down to right and wrong in my mind. If you do something intentionally knowing that it would hurt someone for your own selfish reasons then you do not have morality. That is not to say you may not be an overall good person – you just can’t play the morality card like the Sun card from the Tarot deck as a trump card. Its ok. A lot of good, fun people these days do not have morality. I am not perfect but I try to make good decisions and not hurt those I care about.

Exhale. Have a good Monday or whatever day of the week you are presently experiencing.

Cheers and peace.

Cars

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If you are expecting an in-depth analysis from me on the Disney film Cars (or is it Pixar?) – you might be disappointed then again keep reading and maybe I will astound and delight you with my word art. OK start your engines and let’s see where this goes.

For some people cars are a mode of transportation. Get in, start it, go where you are going, stop and get out. For others, cars are a way of showing the world their financial or social status. For others still, the grease monkeys, cars are a collection of parts and doo-hickies that increase speed, power, fuel efficiency, exhaust noise, hydraulic wheel ballet, whatever, etc. There are obviously some other categories but these are a few examples. Of the above I most closely resemble the first one. I fill my major fluids (gas, windshield washer, anti-freeze) and keep an eye on my tire treads and naturally the warning gauges while driving. But otherwise I’m in the car to get somewhere and listen to some music. Occasionally I will go through a car wash but you will most likely never see me out detailing my car or installing monster sub-woofers or applying flame decals to the quarter-panels.

Where am I going with this?

Well my manhood was called into question by a third party because I was not able to instantly troubleshoot a problem my friend was having with her newly purchased 2000 Ford Explorer. When the ignition key was turned the engine area made a horrible noise and I guessed problem with the starter (turned out to be a battery cable). Anyway, this person who has his own selfish agenda for trying to make me look bad, took away my proverbial mancard because I didn’t know what the problem was with a vehicle type I have never owned (never owned a Ford).

Let me back up. When I was 16-17 years old, I had a Chevy Chevette I would sometimes have to ‘start’ with a two foot long screwdriver that I would have to touch the contacts on a solenoid while sparks danced and singed my arm hair. Back in the day I would change my own oil, oil filter and air filter regularly. In my Monte Carlo I helped change out the alternator (it sounded like the screaming car of death with the loose belt). There are a few other minor things I have accomplished under the hood over the years but I am not here to brag.  😉

Granted most of my car maintenance experience is way, way in the dim reaches of my youth but the fact was I did those things once upon a time mostly in effort to try to save a buck with the aid of friends who were alot more mechanically inclined than I am. As the years have progressed I have gotten lazier and cars have gotten a bit more complex so I just pay someone (read trained professional) to do these maintenance tasks. Also along the way I was introduced to the Honda product and alot of the unexpected breakage didn’t happen as often when I had them regularly maintained.

Bottom line is I am not worried about someone’s opinion who is desperately trying to unlock a previous life fantasy and is mired in a swamp of regret and delusion. If the world as we know it hinges upon my knowledge and ability to fix cars…I apologize for the end of humanity. Otherwise, I think the world will keep on spinning with no notice while I schedule my next oil change.

Happy Hump Day almost everyone. 🙂