Christmas Cards

HA-Cards1

Seasons Greetings!
Happy Holidays!
Merry Christmas!
Feliz Navidad!
To Whom It May Concern!

We’ve all gotten the store bought Christmas card or received an e-card so you are mostly familiar with the sentiments expressed with receiving the card. The person or family sending you the card is basically saying: hey you know what, its almost Christmas and for whatever reason I thought of you! Its typically a nice little note to say hey you registered in my brain and I deemed you worthy of a shout out. So for everyone who does this and remembers me, I say thank you. And to everyone who doesn’t for whatever reason, I say hey come on! Spend the $.50 for postage and $.75 per card and whatever the cost of your penmanship and spit is worth.  🙂

Hope everyone makes it through the holidays safely and sanely and I look forward to seeing you in 2015 if the universe sees fit to me making it that far.

Festivus!

P.S. Ignore the eggnog. Its basically pancake batter with some cinnamon thrown in for ‘flavor’. Yucks! And yes I am speaking directly to you Miss Rhodes!  😉

P.S.S. Let it snow and update your status accordingly and post funny cat pictures and videos!

Peace out!

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Interview (cutting room floor material)

 

AP Chuckles: Can I get you anything? A bottled water, a feather boa or some classic animals crackers?

Me: I will have your soul! HAHAHAHAHA (CUT)

AP Chuckles: (to the Janitor) Dude, did you just zombie crap your pants? Holy sh!t that is nasty!

Janitor: You try eating from the trash every day and see how rosy is smells! (CUT)

Me: Can I get some Kelly Clarkson in here to set the mood?

AP Chuckles: Hold on let me just open the plastic on her CD. Oh look it comes with a complimentary tampon. Here you go! (CUT)

AP Chuckles: I think we take this over the top. Do some Entertainment Tonight / TMZ dirt stories?

Me: We can delve into how many times I have been violated by aliens and children’s dolls come to life. (CUT)

AP Chuckles: I am thinking of playing Wipe Out by the Fat Boys featuring the Beach Boys. We can collectively rap it out. What do you think?

Me: Do they drug test you guys at this station? (CUT)

Me: Can we open a window in here? It smells like Janitor a$$ after eating Taco Bell for a month straight in here.

AP Chuckles: (gagging noises)

Janitor: Hahahaha. Here comes some more! (CUT)

AP Chuckles: Have you ever played paintball naked or drunk or drunk and naked?

Me: Seriously, no drug testing at this station? (CUT)

AP Chuckles: When you were a kid what was the most favorite thing you made in art class?

Me: I do not remember honestly. It was like finger painting or gluing crap to construction paper like cotton balls or macaroni or trying to make my cotton ball snowman look like Madonna during her pointy bra phase. (CUT)

Janitor: Have you met anyone famous?

Me: I’ve met some athletes like baseball players and football players and coaches over the years.

Janitor: No dumba$$ I meant like Hollywood actresses and stuff.

Me: I could’ve touched Weird Al Yankovic’s butt at the Westport Playhouse during his concert about 10 years ago but decided against it. (CUT)

Me: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

AP Chuckles: What are you doing?

Me: Singing a White Christmas.

AP Chuckles: Please stop. I think I heard a pack of dogs start howling outside. (CUT)

AP Chuckles: Was that a gunshot? Do you smell smoke?

Me: I didn’t hear anything or smell anything either.

AP Chuckles: Whew. Good. Been a little on edge here in our new Ferguson studio as of late. (CUT)

This was some of the material that did not make the final cut for the interview segments and you can see why. Hope you are enjoying the final two weeks of 2014. Peace and enjoy your time with friends and family.

Interview – Part III

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Promo: Is your belly grumbling? Enjoy a mouthful of reconstituted Dirty Moore Beef-like Stew! It’s the best you ever tasted! Now in blueberry flavor! A little cigar ash added for flavor and fiber! Find it in the far, dark corners of your lesser trusted supermarkets near the dumpsters!

AP Chuckles: Here we are back from commercial break. We have in studio Scott Latta, a dynamic Scott based right here in America. Scott we are going to move on to the speed round with some questions submitted by our listeners via email, text and tweet.

Me: Alright let’s do this. I’ve rolled up my sleeves and I have this industrial size bottle of Rum Chata to help me through this final segment.

AP Chuckles: Overly Hairy Dark Death Angel from Fulton, Missouri asks – would you marry him?

Me: Well sight unseen I am going to have to respectfully decline the DDA mostly on the grounds that I am presently in a relationship and also I am a minimalist when it comes to body hair but good to know I have crossover appeal.

AP Chuckles: HermieLovesRudolph from the North Pole wants to know if you would accept a gift of all of his unused tanning products and use them?

Me: Two part question – I like it. First, I may accept the gift but for the second part I doubt I would use the products myself. I may re-gift them to someone in a pinch as it tis the season. Anyone who knows me knows I have skin the same color as the underbelly of a Great White shark!

AP Chuckles: We have a tweet from ZeldaPrincess wanting a copy of everything you have ever written sent to her AOL email.

Me: I’m sensing a bit of a retro personality here. Most of what I have is terrible poetry plus about a dozen unfinished stories and scores of annoying Top Ten lists. But hey, if you want them that bad I will post them on my website or you can tweet me direct your email. @oohaw is my Twitter handle.

AP Chuckles: We have a text from Timmy in Alberta Canada wants to know who your favorite wrestler is?

Me: Ha! I have watched wrestling off and on for the better part of 30 years. My all-time favorite is…The Undertaker followed closely by the late Randy Savage.

AP Chuckles: FrozenAnna asks from her iPad in Mrs. Carusso’s third grade class in California – if you were President of the United States what would be the first thing you would do?

Me: I would go on national TV interrupting all the highest rated prime time shows thanking the country for all the write-in votes.

AP Chuckles: SoftballCheaterBatGuy tweets: What bat brand and ounce do you use when you play?

Me: Ha. SoftballCheaterBatGuy is an awesome handle. Makes me think of guys smaller than me like Urfer and Sunshine who crush the ball. Not saying they cheat, just that I’m jealous of their skills. My present bat is a Worth Legit orange and gray 27 ounce.

AP Chuckles: DynamiteEyes sent a text asking you to pick three of these five things, if forced, you would drink: half a bottle of room temperature Jack Daniels, a sugar free Monster energy drink, a cup of Heidi Klum’s urine, 10 shot glasses of tabasco and 5 ounces of boiling water.

Me: Yikes. But I appreciate the creativity. Process of elimination: I remove the boiling water just for the blistered mouth and throat aspects. Then its down to the Tabasco and Heidi’s urine for the last elimination. If Heidi is drinking her daily allotment of liquids for that day that is a tall order. So I would probably be stuck taking the tabasco shots.

AP Chuckles: And finally, BFF3000 asks what movie do you like to watch when you are sick?

Me: Good question. There are actually three answers here depending upon my mood: Major League, Office Space or Deep Blue Sea.

AP Chuckles: Well Scott I’d like to thank you for taking some time with us and our listeners. Maybe we can have you back in the future after you have actually done something.

Me: Sure thing. No pressure.

AP Chuckles: Now as a treat for our loyal listeners we will play a 72 hour non-stop Barry Manilow marathon.

<Barry Manilow’s rendition of the song Memory from the Broadway show Cats begins to play…>

 

 

Interview – Part II

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AP Chuckles: And we’re back. Man that was a long bathroom break. Can I get you some water or Gatorade to rehydrate?

Me: Ha. No I’m good. So where were we?

AP Chuckles: Well I think I tried several times to go down the road to see what pitfalls and such you have encountered?

Me: Ah, kind of like when VH1 or whomever that was doing the Behind the Music to see how Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue fame OD’d and died but then rebounded from his own death to become an upstanding member of the community – albeit the community of strippers and such.

AP Chuckles: Well sort of. Do you have anything like that to share with your followers?

Me: I do have seven followers on Facebook. They can’t ever take that away from me unless they deactivate my account I suppose. Anyway, my demons! Hmmm. Where to start. First off I’ve never done any drugs aside from over the counter variety as prescribed by my personal physician or that really nasty grape cough syrup that tastes not a damn thing like grape or the necessary Excedrin for headaches. Also contrary to what anyone may think, I have never had a drinking problem. I have in the last few years been a bit more liberal with my consumption especially in social situations but nothing to where I woke up in a pool of chicken wing vomit in an alley somewhere.

AP Chuckles: Anything shocking that our listeners would not know?

Me: I sometimes listen to Taylor Swift without changing the radio station.

AP Chuckles: So where is the farthest place you have traveled to?

Me: Many people who know me would guess Cleveland since they know I’m a Cleveland Indians fan but that is not the farthest place I’ve been to presently. I’ve been to Sunset Beach, North Carolina and Denver, Colorado but those aren’t the answer either. I’ve been to Marcellus, New York – home of Anne Mallore, friend and famous author of a New Leash on Life. But it comes down to Tampa, Florida or Las Vegas, Nevada for the furthest I’ve traveled and I think that Vegas is a bit further so it wins.

AP Chuckles: Well this is a bit embarrassing but I need to step into a quick staff meeting but I will hand you off to my associate to handle a few more questions.

Me: Hi. I’m Scott pleased to meet you.

The Janitor: I’m the janitor.

Me: Are you kidding?

The Janitor: No. Pardon my wheezing, I’m trying to quit smoking.

Me: Sure. No. Problem.

The Janitor: I used to be a DJ on this station back in the 80’s when it was KHTR. (wheez) It was a Top 40 station. We played all the hottest records. (long wheez)

Me: It’s funny you should mention KHTR. My longtime friend Matt and I used to parody your station. We called it Music Free because of how many commercials you guys used to run instead of actual music.

The Janitor: I used to smoke 20 packs of cigarettes a day.

Me: Congratulations?

The Janitor: (wheez) I only have one lung.

Me: I think you are making me uncomfortable or is this a PSA to dissuade others from smoking?

The Janitor: Hey, this is still good. I just found my lunch.

Me: You are going to eat that sandwich you found in the trash?

The Janitor: Why not? There’s no pencil shavings on it.

Me: OK. Happy digestion to you.

AP Chuckles: Hi I’m back. Sorry about that.

The Janitor: I’ve gotta go. Code Brown. (wheez) Someone clogged two toilets on the third floor.

AP Chuckles: So Scott, I hear you play some softball. What is your jersey number and how many softball games have you played in your softball career?

Me: My number is 33. It was actually truncated from 33 1/3 due to space on the back of my first jersey with the Lager Sluggers in 2004 when I was discovered if you will via an online softball forum for players. As far as how many games I’ve played that would be a very vague guess. I probably played roughly 150 games a year on average since 2004. So I would guess in the neighborhood of 1700 games.

AP Chuckles: Are you good enough to be a professional softball player?

Me: Ha! Hardly. I do have my nickname on a Miken bat, The Freak. But aside from that coincidence no I am not six foot plus tall and 250 pounds nor am I ridiculously fast or all that consistent. I do occasionally wear a flatbill cap and I have hit a ball over the left field wall at GCS Ballpark in Sauget, Illinois in a fundraiser tournament with snow on the field. Other than that the closest I have come to professional softball is several years ago at BMAC in Bridgeton. It’s a softball / baseball facility where some of the major tourney teams traveled in for basically an exhibition. Local teams were allowed to participate – at their own risk. We played against Rusty Bumgardner’s team and lost in a mercy ruled contest 44-4. Longest softball game I’ve ever played.

AP Chuckles: OK time to pay some more bills but we’ll be right back here at W-H-A-T radio!

Tomorrow we pick up Part III and final installment of this interview. Same bat channel. Word.

 

Interview – Part I

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AP Chuckles:     Hello. This is Alfredo Pedro Chuckles here with W-H-A-T radio 109.2 FM. My guest today is Scott Latta. Scott has recently been named to the exclusive list of the Top one million most dynamic people named Scott on the planet. Good morning Scott. How does it feel to receive this recognition?

Me: Thanks. I’m almost flattered.

AP Chuckles: So Scott, I have to ask, where do you come up with your ideas and what sparks your creative process?

Me: Well, AP most of what I tend to share in social media outlets is my own sparked by my environment or my mood. I do occasionally borrow clever things from any venue that speaks to me like Google of random things or Youtube.

AP Chuckles: OK great. So tell me, where were you when John Lennon was shot?

Me: Are you asking for my alibi? I’m pretty sure I was 8 years old at the time. It would have taken me a couple of months at least to ride my bike all the way to New York. Plus I’m directionally challenged so I would’ve gotten lost and most likely ended up in Cleveland.

AP Chuckles: I just meant, do you remember what you were doing when you found out that John Lennon had been shot.

Me: Pretty sure I was playing with Legos. Next question.

AP Chuckles: OK moving on. It has been said that you tend to favor dark humor. What does that mean?

Me: My sense of humor and things that give me mirth tend to be a little deeper and scarier than the collective works of say the Three Stooges and Three’s Company reruns. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy those things but I will often get a chuckle watching horror movies and seeing the lead up to a slaughter … followed by a disembodied head bouncing perfectly down the center of a flight of stairs in slow motion or watching something like the series Dexter. A serial killer being made to feel romantically uncomfortable like a gawky teenage boy trying to work a bra for the first time. Stuff like that.

AP Chuckles: So what was your second car?

Me: Deviating from the stock questions. I like it. A silver Dodge Shadow.

AP Chuckles: How much of what you creatively generate in a day do you post in your blog, status on Facebook or tweet on Twitter?

Me: Honestly probably about 2%.

AP Chuckles: Why is that?

Me: Couple of big reasons. One, actually working for a living gets in the way quite a bit. Also some of the things that germinate don’t go anywhere creatively or would be downright offensive. A lot of what I find amusing or clever may cross into socially unacceptable gray areas at times. I’m not saying like sitting around in a KKK chat room, but its amazing what little inferences can set people off. Someone reading my postings may be having a bad day and they may quickly read over something I said in total jest but take it as insensitive or attacking or tangent off in a completely non-related direction.

AP Chuckles: Have you ever thought of taking your creativity to another level? Maybe radio or screenplay writing or writing a book?

Me: Actually yes, ha. All three but not strictly for comedy purposes. I have an unfinished manuscript I started about fifteen years ago about an end of the world scenario with a supernatural being – perhaps a reimaging of Jesus come back to Earth or another one of God’s sons. Not entirely sure. Its been on the shelf awhile. Also awhile back my longtime friend and I would sit around and produce a fake radio show with a myriad of fictional characters – some based on wrestling personalities and other people whom we encountered in real life. Recently I’ve used shorter writing outlets that seem less daunting like Twitter, Facebook and my blog. Hopefully 2015 will see my focus and creative energy return for greater projects.

AP Chuckles: OK let’s talk about your demons.

Me: You mean my cats?

AP Chuckles: Um, no. I was going more for what has held you back or kept you from going full bore with this elevating of your creative process?

Me: Oh sorry. Gotcha. I was just thinking you meant cats because some people are not cat people. Just like some people are not dog people. Some people are afraid of birds. Some people have uncontrollable OCD. There was a band in the 80’s called OMD which meant Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark which really should have been OMITD. Wouldn’t that have been clever? Omitted as a band name but spelled OMITD?

AP Chuckles: Scott?

Me: Yes?

AP Chuckles: Your demons? Can you touch on that? Like Robin Williams or George Carlin turned to drugs and such.

Me: Ah OK. Sorry sometimes the six degrees of Kevin Bacon starts with a sentence with me and ends up in a completely different genre within a minute or two. So Demons?

AP Chuckles: Yes, demons.

Me: As a fun fact, one of my favorite movies is Night of the Demons. Not the Shannon Elizabeth remake although that one isn’t bad but just not as good as the original in my opinion. Just like the Nightmare on Elm Street remake is nowhere near as good as the original even though the special effects have come a long way in 30 years. Also it peeves me that on Huluplus and Netflix that they have Night of the Demons 2 and the remake of Night of the Demons available to watch, but not the original. How does that even work? That’s just stupid.

AP Chuckles: Scott, your demons?

Me: I think now is an excellent time for a commercial break and restroom necessities. How about we jump into the demons pool when we come back?

AP Chuckles: OK. Now a word from our sponsors…

 

 Tomorrow we pick up Part II of this interview. Stay tuned. Peace.

Music

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Good day! I thought I would bust out a Tuesday edition of ye ole blog! Yar! Pirates sometimes be literate too!

Anyway, I was just singing in the car this morning to some Linkin Park when my phone which doubles as my MP3 player paused the song for a second while an email notification popped through. It was a harsh reminder that I am not gifted with a pleasant singing voice. I believe the term is tone deaf to be very kind.

I remember my music teacher Paula Martin from Grandview Elementary School telling us in music class to sing with emotion and embrace the songs. One day, she came up behind me while my head was down ‘reading’ the music I was singing. She patted my shoulder and gave me a sad look. I knew right then and there I was not going to be feeding myself or my future family based on my vocal stylings. Don’t get me wrong, she never actually said, hey you don’t need to sing so loud because you really, REALLY suck but that look said I hope you enjoy singing as much as I like it when you stop.

The same goes for any other musical talents. I can’t keep the rhythm. Gloria Estefan promised the rhythm was going to get me. She lied big time. Drums, guitars, other percussion instruments, woodwind instruments…it did not matter. I even screw up the obligatory hand clapping segment of concerts. Rhythm and musical talent has played hide and seek with me and I am still looking.

Some people just look at a piano or guitar and it makes sense or flows from them naturally. I can appreciate their talents from afar on planet Don’t Give Me Any Instrument To Play. Their gifts are appreciated by my ears but alas I am bereft of ability to give music to the universe I live in aside from pressing play.

Have an essentially positive day full of proper fluid intake!

Only two weeks and one day until Christmas Eve!
Shop Shop Shop!

Peace.

Nerds

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As I am sitting here eating a tiny box of Seriously Strawberry Nerds (artificially flavored? – get out!) left over from Halloween, I noticed quite a bit of information posted on this inch by inch and a half rectangular box. Prominently in the upper left hand corner in a curly script is the name Wonka in white letters trapped in an upside down purple wave. Dead center in the middle of the box is the word Nerds in white letters with aqua and neon green outlining. Three little pink Nerd frogs(?) are in various poses ranging from the tongue wag to spread eagle (Nerd frogs only have legs, no arms) to turned back showing the customer its posterior.

You may not know, but this tiny box is not labeled for resale by itself but the product may contain EGG! It is distributed by Nestle USA Inc out of Glendale, California. If you absolutely need the nutritional information you are encouraged to contact them via phone at 1-800-358-1971 but only between the hours of 8am until 8pm Eastern Time Monday through Friday. Or if you have a phobia of talking on the phone (aka telephonophobia) you can just visit their website at: Nestleusa.com or stalk them on Facebook at: facebook.com/Wonka.

Note: You can listen to Usher or Linkin Park while browsing the web without anyone judging you if you do it in your private residence or you can just put your headphones on if using public WiFi so as not to disturb anyone near you.

This has been my PSA for responsible leftover Halloween candy consumption. Remember to brush and floss afterwards. As Julia Robert’s character Vivian in the 1990 classic film Pretty Woman states – You Shouldn’t Neglect Your Gums!

Peace out and have a great week my literate friend.

December 2014

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Hello my friend, we meet again It’s been awhile, where should we begin? Feels like forever…

OK so I blatantly ripped off some Creed lyrics so the homeless frontmant Scott Stapp can feel free to sue me.

The gluttonous Thanksgiving holiday is in the rear view mirror and some of you may still have some souvenirs of the day accumulating some fungus in plastic-ware containers in the fridge. Now the religious, semi-religious and for that matter non-religious world turns its full unbridled attention towards the major commercial holiday that all the retailers have been not so subtly hinting at since July. This is not a slight towards Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day, Chalica, Hanukkah, Malanka, Yalda, Malkh, Modraniht, Pancha Ganapati, Holy Innocents Day or St Nicholas day (if I forgot a holiday in December that you recognize or celebrate I apologize).

With 23 shopping days until the Christian “C” word holiday, credit card executives and the top officials at Amazon.com are rubbing their hands together like kids eying the biggest present under their holiday tree. For us little people the pressure is on to find the perfect gift or gifts for those we care about to show our appreciation and thoughtfulness. Additionally adding to the stress is determining if our name is either Donald Trump or Oprah. If you answered no to either of those names, then chances you are on a budget, working for a living and trying to squeeze out a few dollars for the seasonal purchases or (eesh) thinking of swiping that credit card, if there happens to be room under your credit limit, to finance a little holiday joy.

The struggle is real. No matter how much I squint and say my name really quick, it still does not sound like Oprah so I may need to sell some of my fine B positive blood to fill a couple stockings.

Don’t get me wrong, aside from my softball and the equipment that is associated with the sport, I am not really all the materialistic. This year has been more of a reflection and I am grateful to be mostly healthy and of semi-sound mind (depending upon whom you ask). I know this is more of a New Years Eve/Resolution type sentiment but its where my mindset is right now. Next week I could cash in on the Powerball lottery and my mindset may change or step off a curb and have my number be up mashed into the grill of a Metrobus but as of right now I just value the people in my life whom know me a little and care to say Hey every now and again.

Careful at all the sale extravaganzas and don’t get dinged in the parking lot or imbibe too much at those holiday parties. Only four more weeks in 2014 (wow!) – so stay warm and safe.

Peace and positive sentiments because Santa and all the deities are watching! A bit creepy but hey if they are that bored they can watch me and I will try to entertain them…with my blog! 🙂