Rain

I will forever love the rain
Rain wont judge me
It invites me to dance
And when it leaves I miss it

Last Wednesday…In August 2014…Ever

Good applicable time of the day to you.
Not sure if you meant to land here and read my thoughts (technically making you a temporary mind reader?) but welcome and good day.

By process of elimination, you can only be a handful of people I know as most of the outside world has yet to discover my brilliance aka mindless virtual diary. So hopefully your furniture is in working order and your health is not poor and your shoes are very comfortable.

Today is pointless or if there is a point, the plot lines have not been established that I can discern.

My thoughts as of late have strayed to writing once again and I am not meaning my blurts and bursts on Twitter or my diatribes on Facebook that I catch so much flack about to no end.

Characters and stories have started to bug me in the wee hours of morning when most sane people embrace sleep. I may post a short story here and there or some of my rough prose. Some of it tends to be dark but that is the pool my feet are soaking in a the moment and they say to write what you know so this hopefully could be interesting.

Stay tuned. Happy Hump Day!
Peace Out.

Anti Social Media

Just so everyone doesn’t think I am just a downer, grumpy goose all the time, here is a silly meaningless post.
Hashtag eating a Snickers with my left hand.
The inside of the Snickers wrapper states I could win cash and prizes but who are they kidding. I’ll just take my 27 grams of sugar and become A-D-D incarnate! (For the record my code entitled me to a coupon for a free Snickers!)
How come when you eat ice cream you get a brain freeze but when you eat something hot you don’t get a brain melt?
OH well back to Snapchat, Words with Friends, Facebook and texting before my weekend of drinking, eating, floating, sleeping and enjoying fire with friends (not an app).
Peace out.

Robin Williams / Depression / Suicide

The topic is now a few days old and still a hot button nationally but here in the St Louis area the Ferguson riots et al are dominating the local scene and news reports.

When the news of Robin Williams passing surfaced my initial thought like many I’m sure is it was another celebrity death hoax (see Morgan Freeman). But then when it became a fact, the shock and sadness settled in a bit. Many have been quick to condem the man for his past very public struggles with drugs and alcoholism. But the vast majority openly expressed sadness for the man, the public persona larger than life that Mr Williams had created and the world embraced. His outrageously funny and relatable characters on the big and small screens bring smiles and laughter and some tears for his more serious roles. On a more humanitarian level he supported organizations (St Jude, the US Military, Red Cross, etc) and was widely regarded by his family and friends as a hugely compassionate man which is to be commended.

The part of his passing that most people I think have trouble processing is his choice to remove himself from this world on his terms. The religious sector in particular I know has issue with suicide and I will not delve into their ideology as its their belief right and I don’t want to sidetrack my post.

Robin Williams suffered for years from depression and addiction. This is not all that uncommon for the deniziens of Hollywood. Many have trodded down this path and some have overcome their demons. Many just let the destructive behavior lead them to an out of control situation that ultimately led to their demise – some in grand notorious fashion – pardon the pun.

As someone who has dealt with depression for the better part of last 30 years I can certainly empathize with his frame of mind. Most people don’t understand the daily struggle on the really bad days. It’s not just a be positive or turn that frown upside down switch to flip. On the darker days, you wake up (if you can sleep) and there’s a lead weight on your heart and a train with many cars of negative baggage dragging endlessly through your mind. It’s just exhausting. Just getting out of bed is an epic struggle.

Williams was able to occupy his time with his work and entertaining and I can relate as well. Most people who know me would never suspect the depths of my despair at times. I laugh. I make people laugh. I seem to fully embrace life and everyone around me. But once the front door closes and the lights go off and the clock chugs past midnight and the coffers of negativity make tributaries into one big river of unending self loathing and reminders of all the failures…the room gets darker and the air gets heavier.

Robin Williams was celebrated worldwide even before his death. Just mention his name and people mention his stand-up routines or their favorite movie or talk about his frenetic improv. Most people would have perceived him as a man with everything. Money, fame, family and the adoration of the planet. That’s why his death and method of death (he hung himself in his own home with a belt) jolted me. With my struggles in the throes of depression, my thoughts sometimes tick inevitably to my worth in the world and the value I have in people’s lives. I have often thought if I were gone tomorrow, who would miss me really? If someone of his belovedness and network of support can come to this one conclusion as a solution what does that say for someone like me? Granted I have never done drugs and only occasionally do I let alcohol in excess be the answer. It just felt like a gut punch and then a harder punch to the side of the head (I also get chronic headaches). Someone I like to think I emulate in my witty comical attitude (read random silliness) couldn’t deal with being in his head that much. I was thunderstruck on top of a down swing I had been feeling. It was too much. It still is too much.

Depression has taken out much stronger people than myself. Depression conquered my marriage and most of my happiness. However, some of the depression was residing with my marriage partner. The combined strength of two very strong people was no match for the black cloud of nothingness. Depression is not just a person feeling sorry for themselves and looking for attention. Most times you don’t even know the person is embroiled in pain because they do not bring any attention to themselves because they don’t want to have to justify their pain.

From an outsider’s perspective if there is not something overtly bad going on (i.e. cancer, abuse, job loss, serious bad luck ,etc) they dismiss the situation as nothing wrong. But the 800 pound gorilla of depression can take a small trigger like seeing a father hug his daughter lovingly and kiss her forehead and remind that person of their non-existent relationship with their father or negative relationship memories. Then that train leaves the station pulling a slideshow of hurtful and saddening things that drops you into a chasm of bottomless depths. And so the spiral continues. At that point you want nothing more than to escape your own head and thoughts. To do that you need a crutch. Alcohol. Softball. Anything to keep you from thinking.

This is just the wax on the paint job of this car but it was something I have been thinking of writing for many weeks and a little more PG friendly than the real topic in my head gets at times.

May you have mental peace and feel free to reach out to me to talk about this topic or anything else. Have a spiffy Thursday the 14th.

Ghosts of Relationships Past

So I have a current pet peeve. Since its my blog I can vent here and be as whiny as I want.

I am currently in a relationship with a beautiful woman and we have been exclusive for many months now and we live together with her 4 year old son (its his birthday today – Happy Birthday!). The crux of my grumblyness is the fact that she is still cyber friends with many previous flings. Some of them have faded to the occassional text or random Instant Message but there are a small handful who still carry a noticeable torch. These cyber dudes also are ‘friends’ on her social media profiles including Snapchat. What irks me about this select few is that they only ‘Like’ certain posts and pictures. Most notably ones that are selfies she took of just herself. The other posts or pictures that refer to me and her or her child – they do not “Like’ those. Curious I say. I can only throw out a SMH and wish them many papercuts and extremely poor gas mileage.

Happy Hump Day Everyone!