Rewrite your Thursday

Greetings all and by all I mean the all that encompasses those who deserve to be in good with me…and to the rest here’s to hoping you are cast into a pit about 45 feet deep with smooth sides that is 1.5 times greater than the circumference of your outstretched arms. In the bottom of said pit is 7 cubic feet of dark liquid human waste. Periodically a robot will dump 4 cups of partially crushed sea shells into the pit. Since the inhabitant(s) of the pit will have no shoes, standing could produce cuts  to the feet which I imagine would start a rather nasty infection within a short period of time resulting in a miserable prolonged existence or a painful agony-filled death – either from the infection or the self-induced suicide by drowning in human waste. So choose wisely if you would like to be on my good side or not. 🙂

* Please note there is a third option of neither in good nor not in good with me and those people are exempt from the pit scenario.

OK I had a very dark and nasty piece planned but chose to go a different direction. Some of you are like huh? Did you not read your first paragraph? To answer, yes I did and that is a cotton-candy rainbow slide for Care Bears compared to what I originally had. Sometimes in life the human element is what brings a smile to my face and other times the thought of humanity is enough to turn my stomach. Every thing is perspective and colored by the eyes viewing it. My perspective is not that of a 15 year old girl, although I’m sure my girlfriend would question that statement. The things that I hold dear and the issues that cause an emotional reaction in me would probably not mean as much as a rusted paper clip on the street to the next person.

For the most part I am not a mean-spirited person. However, I am fiercely loyal to my friends and family (those of whom I still choose to call family). So a threat or attack against those select few, I in turn, accept as a personal attack by extension. In this world many people put their trust and faith in the wrong people (you feel me Iggy Azalea?) only to have to sort out messy situations down the line. I know there is no crystal ball to see who is going to lie to you and deceive you or completely throw you under a steam-roller; else no one would ever get hurt. As a general rule of thumb, I try to be the listener when I meet someone new. See if they are a talker or gossiper or just cannot stop sharing things that maybe a longtime friend of seven minutes shouldn’t be sharing with a virtual stranger. Everything in today’s society is treated like unlimited bandwidth where back in the day things were more of a dial-up connection. Perhaps that’s enough on the analogies today. Did you ever notice analogies starts with a-n-a-l? Same goes for analogue. Now try typing the first four letters of those words into Google and see what the predictive options are…

As I say good bye to the month of March here in 2016, I feel a bit pressured to come up with a practical and yet hysterically funny April Fool’s joke/prank. At present, I am lame and open to suggestions that I can pass off as my own.

Hope all of you (if you are not sure if you are in good – just ask me!) have a splendid and fortuitous end to the month and rousing start of Q2 in 2016. May your assets and time management be optimal with project output and profitability have unlimited upswing. Once your data is gathering and dispersed into the vectored parsing process, you should be able to rely upon either a fortune cookie or a Magic 8-ball to do what you need to do.

Peace.

Also not sure if this was work related or if someone requested this but here is the conversion rate for a check in CAD currency to USD currency from October 2013.

Anagram

Good afternoon! Hope your weekend was pleasant and free of egg burps (chocolate or chicken).

At one point I found myself fixating on a new piece of art for the bedroom. It is a longways rectangular piece with a relaxing scene featuring prominently the word HOPE centered in it. The piece was purchased a few weeks ago at a home furnishing store for a reasonable amount.

So while unconsciously focusing on the word HOPE my mind started the tiny hamster gears moving. I started mentally re-arranging the letters trying to make another word from just HOPE (Google anagram). This mental anagram game that occurs I blame on the author F Paul Wilson for his Adversary Cycle series of books that links up nicely with the Repairman Jack series. If you are a reader of books – I utterly and completely endorse reading these books (please start with The Keep). Not to give away any plot points but the main antagonist to Jack (and the world) is named Rasalom and Mr Wilson does a brilliant job of weaving anagrams of that name and others into his works.

So with this bit of background, you now know where I got the anagram bug lodged in my brain from decades ago. Working with a small word really limits your possibilities but that is part of the fun/challenge. After a few minutes, I didn’t really come up with any legit four letter words from HOPE but I did come up with POEH.

For those of you with furrowed brow let me explain. A poem is verses of words to create a theme or to generally describe something (perhaps an idea). Usually a poem can be deciphered and interpreted. However, for those times when the writer did not do a very clear job of boiling his verses down and we are left puzzled by what the poem means; then we need to create the new word: poeh (poem-eh?). I think this will catch on like wildfire especially for those who sit down to write (in Colorado for example) after a few puffs of a medicinal inhalant. I’m sure there is a form to submit somewhere to petition for this (adding a word, not getting some medical marijuana) or maybe just an email to the people at Urban Dictionary but I’m sure this should be a slam dunk.

So as you sit in traffic or the doctor’s office, look around for words that you can anagramize for your own amusement. This PSA was brought to you by day dreaming and the National Coalition for Adult Napping (NCAN).

Have a great rest of your Monday and perhaps the rest of the week if you feel lucky.

Peace.

Dumb Stuff…tangents please

Good Friday morning – as in Happy Good Friday! For me the day started off well (after peeling myself out of bed) because traffic on the way to work was a light flow as opposed to the max flow saturation…hold on. I was going to launch into a metaphor that may have gotten messy but I have decided to pull the string and flush that train of thought.

Let’s start over. Do you personally think Superman was an exhibitionist? I mean what was with all the public changing in phone booths? Trying to expose his super schlong to the general populous of a major (fictitious) metropolitan area? How was he not on the registered sex offender list? Did they not televise his court hearings or did he just put the smackdown on any law enforcer who would turn him in? Enquiring minds want to know! Maybe Superman is the reason there are so few actual phone booths in this country now. Think about it, when was the last time you saw a phone booth outside of movies set in England? Hmmm?

I just got a text from Redbox. I can rent two movies for the price of one with my secret promo code! I wonder if that means I get a free second day charge (read late fee) when I bring it back too late? Somehow thinking not.

Hope everyone enjoys the chocolate and baby chicken themes surrounding this coming Sunday. If Jesus were alive today what do you think he would have to say about what a Peep tastes like? Based on that interview Peeps would probably either cease to exist (if he hated them) or be a daily worldwide staple (if he liked and endorsed them) with a specific color for each day of the week. Jesus’s presence in the modern world would probably be a major headache for the man. The paparazzi would never give the man a moment’s worth of peace plus his actions would cause a ripple through consumerism. Jesus’s trash contains discarded packaging for Zzzquil – demand spikes worldwide! Jesus tweets that he doesn’t eat breakfast – McDonalds stops serving breakfast foods all day. Jesus throws his iPhone 6 out the window of a cab…the whole world switches to Android and Steve Jobs is cast down into Hell. Just a non-stop tsunami of mass rushing from one side of the spectrum to the other to try to gain favor for ‘later’.

OK now that I have ruffled some feathers I will step aside and wish you a safe and smile-filled weekend. Be safe, sane and smoochy or at least four of those three.

Peace.

March 24th!

Yes today is March 24th. And do you remember what happened on March 24th previously? No? Well apparently neither does the internet as nothing of real significance has historically occurred on this day per my Google search.

So, it is our collective collaborative goal to create something massive (in a positive light) for the world to stop and say, “Oh yeah! March 24th! That’s when those people did that thing! Do you remember where you were? O.M.G.!”

Today could possibly be the birthdays for The Undertaker (WWE), Peyton Manning (Superbowl Champ), Jim Parsons (Big Bang Theory), Louie Anderson (Coming To America), Harry Houdini (post humus magician) and (pop singer) Nena. There are more but I’ve grown bored with the birthday announcements. In 1989 – The Exxon Valdez spilled 240,000 barrels (11 million gallons) of oil in Alaska’s Prince William Sound after it ran aground. Also eleven years ago Sandra Bullock received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. See, like I said, pretty light history lesson for March 24th.

Question: Should I set up a GoFundMe account to pay my delinquent personal property taxes so in turn I can pay the sales tax on my 2015 Hyundai Sonata? The joke I like to trot out when someone frivolously sets up a GoFundMe account is that they need to have a sister site called GoFundYourself, where the last two letters in the word fund could have two different consonants. Just a little amusement for myself.

The current weather is overcast and 60 degrees. It apparently rained for awhile overnight. I know I recall hearing the soothing sounds of rainfall between 3 and 4 am but nothing earth-shattering.

OH! If anyone reading this has a MAC computer or an iPad and can recommend a good audio editing software app/program – please let me know.

Have a great day!

Peace.

Recurring Dreams

Good day! By the title of this post some of you may be expecting a review of the classic album from the summer of 1996 by the Melbourne, Australia band known as Crowded House which was a Greatest Hits release. But no! This is more like me laying on a virtual leather couch and talking about my dreams. In my inner circles, it is known that I do not partake of that much prolonged sleep so in turn I do not tend to dream that much but when I do…

I tend to have a handful of scenarios that I dream about over and over again and it has been this way pretty much since my teen years. Spoiler alert: I tend to die in my dreams, like most of the time. I do not understand the undertones or connotation of that but it happens more often than not. In most of these sleepy sequences something tragic occurs: I am struck by a car, caught in the cross-fire waiting in line at the grocery store, pitching in a softball game and take a line drive to the face, alone and running for my life in a remote building when an oppressor (or several) corners me and bludgeons, stabs, shoots, etc me to my death and there are a few others that I am sure I am forgetting. But from that point on in the dream, it kind of switches to TV mode where I can see other people but they do not see me. Sometimes the people are talking about me, sometimes they are sad I am gone, sometimes they are not sad I am gone and sometimes they act like I never existed. It can be a bit odd which I guess is acceptable since they are dreams and not really real or subject to rules.

So to retell the dream fragment from Sunday night into Monday morning…I do not remember the beginning portion but from the part I do remember: I was on large rundown cruise ship being pursued by deranged screaming half-dude, half monster things. Every time I would trap one in a pantry or a closet (please note I did have a straight claw hammer with me for some reason) another one would pop out of the wood work and start chasing me through the corridors and open ball rooms and kitchens and exercise rooms and finally to the control room. I barricaded myself inside the control room with a handful of the monster dudes making a ruckus on the other side of the door which was metal on the bottom but clear glass on the top. As happens in the movies, the glass was starting to break so I used my hammer to bust out a window and of course I jumped down to the water below. So in the dream when I jumped into the water I felt like I was suffocating for a minute. Dunno what that was about but then I ‘surfaced’ and could breathe again.

I climbed a rope ladder attached to a short pier and ran. This pier was not in like the city but more like a secluded more tropical place with lots of trees and woods. As I headed into the woods I could hear the screaming monster dudes jumping into the water and wading ashore. At this point, I am feeling like I am running in slow motion but I can still hear these monster dudes thrashing and getting closer. Luckily I kept ahold of my trusty hammer and I get a clean swing to hit one of the things in its eye socket. The blow killed him but the hammer got lodged in his skull so I had to abandon my only weapon. I found some rusty bicycle handle bars nearby and I was using that like a light saber to break another one’s neck before it broke in half and I had to use it like a dagger to stab the next one.

Obviously at this point I was a little panicked but I kept running and came to a shack that was basically the size of a Port-A-Potty. The monster dudes found me in there and destroyed the shack in like two seconds. From there I tried to crawl away under the debris from the shack but one of them compound-broke my left arm just below the shoulder. I managed to get away but I had to run cradling my left arm with my right arm to keep it from tearing off my shoulder. I ran for awhile but a stitch developed in my side so I hid behind a tree of large girth. Behind this tree I could barely see but – lucky me – there was a wolf hiding there. I’m not sure if I scared it or if ‌in general it was not friendly, but the wolf growled and chased me through the woods where I ended up back at the pier. The wolf cornered me and I jumped off the pier into the water…only to realize I was too tired to swim so every thing got slow and I stopped breathing.

After drowning, I floated to the surface in the moonlight but aside from floating I could not move. Another ship about the size of the SS Minnow pulled up next to the one I had jumped from. On this ship were people I knew. I wanted to warn them about the monster dudes and the wolf but I couldn’t make any noise no matter how much I tried to scream and yell. A second later the sunrise spawned on the horizon and every thing was calm. No monsters, no blood, no screaming. Anthony and Madie (softball people) were on the boat and so was my mom along with my chiropractor Dr Ron. I guess Dr Ron was the captain as he wore a white captain’s hat on his bald dome. Anthony, who some of us call Twon, was holding his pug dog Lucky and was waving Lucky’s little paw at the bigger ship.

After a few seconds the whole placed changed. The boats were gone, the woods were gone, everyone was gone and it was just ‘ghost’ me on a road looking for miles in both directions as it was getting dark again. My arm didn’t hurt anymore but I wasn’t really a person I was just a floating image next to myself. The wind picked up and my image flickered like the TV picture when the electric almost goes out during a storm.

The wind died down and the sky turned absolute black. There were no stars, no moon and no light at all. Somewhere far away someone said something I couldn’t understand (this could have been my neighbors as they tend to have loud conversation at all hours of the day). I tried to focus but right about that time…the dream ended. I blinked fully awake and looked at the digital clock face that read 3:07.

This is pretty common as I have stated. I have many dreams where I am chased and/or perish but then stick around. I am sure there is a psycho analyst out there scribbling some notes after reading about my dream but it is pretty much par for the course. Stressful situation followed by death and then epilogue. Oh well. Hopefully there was something there that may have been intriguing or amusing or titillating for you.

Have a gracious and plentiful Hump Day.

Peace.

Tuesday 03-22-2016

OK so I will make this quick! Happy Tuesday…good bye!

Ha. Just kidding but that would’ve been pretty quick. Sorry I have not been more typ-ish here lately but occurrences have conspired against my free-time, creativity and energy stores.

I was going to divulge the happenings in one of my recurring dreams yesterday but I was sidetracked down into oblivion. Perhaps tonight after I consume some energy enriched foods I will buckle down and post something new.

Cheers!

The Hearse Song

“Don’t you ever laugh as the hearse goes by,
For you may be the next one to die.
They wrap you up in big white sheets
and cover you from head to feet.
They put you in a big black box
And cover you with dirt and rocks.
All goes well for about a week,
Until your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
The worms play pinochle on your snout,
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
A big green worm with rolling eyes
Crawls in your stomach and out your sides.
Your stomach turns a slimy green,
And pus pours out like whipping cream.
You’ll spread it on a slice of bread,
And that’s what you eat when you are dead.”

When I was a kid, my mom used to sing a portion of this cute little ditty – most notably the verse starting with ‘The Worms Crawl In…”. And for the record pinochle is some sort of card game but I have never played it but I’m sure the rules can be found with the all-powerful Google.

So read the above song again and now you have yet another tiny pizza slice of my formative years and why I sometimes go off the page on various topics.

Everyone have a traditionally great Friday.

Peace.

Three Wishes

So good morning and welcome to the St Patricks Day edition of my blog! Top of the mornin to ya! Spank ya eel in a mug and toast yer mama! Darn bloomin deesh tryin to lick ova ya wash cloth mee hardies! Or something a real life Irish person would say.

…and I just realized I am not wearing any green. Will I get pinched? If so can I file a sexual harassment claim? Will anyone offer me a green beer? Besides wearing green and consuming alcohol, what are the other components to St Patrick’s Day? According to Google, there are also parades, eating corned beef and cabbage and for the female populous – dressing like sl#ts. Don’t shoot the messenger, it’s on the internet so it must be true!

So in addition to looking up information about St Patrick’s Day this morning, I also looked up Robin Williams birthday which is four weeks after my own. He would’ve been 65 this year had he not had chosen to leave the dance two years ago. One of Mr Williams most recognizable roles was as the voice of the genie in Disney’s animated film Aladdin. While I was playing this mental game of Pong (from Atari fame) the radio was on in the car and playing Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by P!nk. However, since the radio plays songs without cursing, the song lost some of its fun.

Step forward BRAIN!

No not that Brain…my brain! Taking the Robin Williams genie rules into consideration where you can wish for anything with the exception of: more wishes, bringing people back to life from the dead or to make people fall in love with you – I would make my three wishes.

First wish, eliminate all songs edited for cursing or profanity (sorry FCC you are done here). Look around, all kids by the time they reach six years old have heard profanity either in person or on TV or in their favorite movies. Society has failed to produce respectful young people so make it socially acceptable for every one to hear and use profanity. This should even the playing field in the classrooms whenever little Billy Madison starts pushing the boundaries, eh?

Second wish, the Cleveland Indians win the next three World Series. Some of you are asking why???? to like the one millionth power. Why wouldn’t I just ask for a billion dollars or something like that? Here’s the rub: I would place a bet with everyone I know (who makes fun of me for liking the Indians) plus a Vegas bet for the Indians to win the World Series. The odds are typically not good and this year is no different as they are 30-1 underdogs. Where this gets fun is the second year where no one thinks they can repeat and I do this all over again! Then of course the third year the odds really become long and since they do not know I have the power of the Genie making this happen, I go all in and bankrupt the world! Hahahahaha!

Third and final wish, to have the ability to travel anywhere instantaneously (see Harry Keough from the Necroscope series by Brian Lumley, the Mobius Continuum). Now I am not asking for Harry Jr’s ability to hop into other worlds; I am only looking to use it to tap into locations here on Earth because I think we all know how that turned out for Harry Jr, right? Well maybe you don’t but you should read the series. It is an excellent 15 or 16 book trilogy. With the ability to jump in and out of wormholes, I wouldn’t need a car or to work. I could simply step into nothing and out on the other side in a bank vault or a Vegas casino holding room, grab/steal some ‘pocket money’ as Semi would have called it from the movie Coming To America and poof back out in seconds. Note: I would only do this in moderation and not become greedy like super villain Lex Luthor from the Superman series.

So there you have it. My three wishes: unedited music, three World Series titles for the Cleveland Indians and the ability to move anywhere on the globe instantaneously.

If I could get a bonus wish for using all my wishes within a certain time frame (like an hour), I would also wish for people who play the racism card where it truly does not apply to be caught in a spontaneously generated bubble. Depending  upon the time of day, they will either be zoomed to the bottom of the deepest point in the ocean where their bubble will burst or be flown into the first mile of outer space where their bubble will also burst. Real racism is bad, just like people who are homophobic, but what makes it worse is people ‘crying wolf’ when they know that their situation isn’t the case but they still want the undeserved attention.

 

Hopefully you were able to stay entertained over the last week between my posts by Twitter, Facebook, my Podcasts, Bill Burr’s podcasts, Candy Crush Soda Saga or old photos in a physical album somewhere. If not, I apologize.

Whether you are Irish or not Irish – have a great Thursday and enjoy St Patrick’s Day unless you have a snake infestation – then chances are you will be traumatized and cannot fully enjoy the day. As a possible solution to the last problem, perhaps you load up a super-soaker squirt gun with ice water and spray the snakes while yelling the word “Shamrock!” over and over again – maybe they will get annoyed and leave. Just a suggestion.

Peace.

Absolutes

There are a few things in life that do not change (at least until they do).
The sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening – even if we might not be able to see this due to cloud cover…it still happens. A year by calendar standards is 365 days except every fourth year when it is 366 days.

People who speak in absolutes about generalities tend to make me play out scenarios in my mind where I stuff several large pillows worth of stuffing into their pie holes. Examples would be: All white people are racist. (Insert car manufacturer here) only makes cars that suck. Fat people are just people who can’t stop eating. People who live in poor neighborhoods are criminals and don’t want to better themselves.

A piece of information (generally a perception or common occurrence) is always the rule and should be the template rightly (or wrongly) placed over everyone or everything remotely covered by the perception or common occurrence.

Hitler hated the Jewish people. Hitler was German. All Germans hate all Jewish people. This is an example of throwing out an absolute…that is absolutely wrong.

Obviously I chose this example to illustrate a faulty line of thinking. But there are many people in society operating under similar misconclusions, many of them from a point of hate and righteous judgement.

So let me gently suggest that it is better to in-take information with an open mind and make a case by case assessment, instead of pushing everyone under one umbrella that may or may not cover their particular circumstances.

I would like to speak in specifics on this topic to defend some people wrongly lumped in with the guilty but the attached repercussions are such that some will not be able to separate them to see the larger picture.

Hopefully the only things you are judged on today are your clothing outfit choices, your breath and if your laugh is too loud. Happy Hump Day to everyone.

Peace.

Sports Talk – Spring Training – Cleveland Indians Spotlight

OK for those expecting a 30 team breakdown in baseball…sorry not going to happen. I am a die-hard Cleveland Indians fan. So the lone spotlight falls on my team as I do a little digging into the numbers and add my own perspective to the state of the team in 2016.

As of this morning, the Indians are off and running in Cactus League games with an 0-4 record (2 ties that they simply throw away from a record standpoint because both teams do not care about the outcome). That record stands as the worst for teams competing in the Arizona circuit. Luckily there is a worse record overall of 0-6 by the Baltimore Orioles in Grapefruit (Florida) League competition.

I know that the preseason of the baseball schedule is pretty much ignored from a results standpoint much like the NFL preseason. Yeah it’s fun to see the boys of summer tuning up for the real action and two days after a spring training game no one is talking about fantasy numbers or who is on a hot streak, etc. But I put together a little spreadsheet of information regarding the Cleveland Indians franchise dating back to the year of my birth for regular season and the last 10 years for spring training.

So to kick off my presentation of useless information pertaining to the Cleveland Indians (only dating back to 1972) here goes.

Indians1972-2015

From 1972 until 1992 (21 seasons) the team had four (4) winning seasons but never finished higher than 4th in their division and their highest win total was 84 games.

From 1993 until 2008 (16 seasons) the team had nine (9) winning seasons and their highest win total was 100 wins. The team had seven (7) first place finishes, three (3) second place finishes and only five (5) losing seasons. Noteworthy during this period: the team moved to Florida for their Spring Training facility/games, the divisions were re-aligned in 1994, the team lost three players due to injury/death in 1993, the franchise opened a new stadium (Jacobs Field) in 1994, the 1994 season was (supposed to be) the first featuring a new wild card entrant for post season play, the 1994 season ended with the Indians in second place behind the White Sox and would’ve earned them the wild card spot but the season was cancelled due to the players strike, during this 16 years the Indians qualified for the postseason seven (7) times and made it to the World Series twice while losing to the Atlanta Braves in 1995 (6 game series, 2 games won) and the Florida Marlins in 1997 (7 game series, 3 games won).

For the 2009 season the Indians moved back to Arizona for Spring Training games. In the 7 full seasons with spring training held there, the Indians have had three (3) winning seasons and four (4) losing seasons and their highest win total was 92 wins. During this seven year stretch, the team qualified for the postseason once as a wild card entrant but lost in the single game playoff between the two wildcard teams. Noteworthy here was that Major League Baseball changed the wild card entrant rules in 2012 by adding a second wild card team in each league and making the wild card teams play each other in a one-game playoff to determine who moved on to the division series round. In years 1995-2011 the lone wild card entrant automatically moved on to the division series round.

So what is the point of this piece? Well I am saying that the club needs to move back to Florida for spring training. Why? Well if you look at the success of the team during the Florida (spring training) years, minus 1993 which was a year overshadowed by the tragic events in spring training that cost two players their lives and permanently injured a third, it’s hard not to argue it was the most prosperous time for the franchise.

Looking at the spring training results for the team in the last seven springs in Arizona the club has 104 wins and 108 losses (and just ignoring the ties). I hear many of you saying, so what. During that stretch the team finished last in winning percentage in the Cactus League twice and both of those regular seasons the team experienced a losing season. I mention that because the team is off to another lackluster spring showing which could be a bad omen. Also, during this seven year span the team has not placed first even once and finished a combined 101 games out of first place in the division during that span (not taking into consideration wild card standings). During the previous 16 years in which the team did not finish first, the team finished a combined 133 games out of first and if you discount the tragedy overshadowed season of 1993 before the team moved into it’s new stadium that number drops to 114.

This is why baseball is such a great game. There  are so many numbers to look at and compare and make whatever argument you want to make. Forget voting in the train-wreck that is the upcoming presidential elections, let’s vote to move the Indians back to Florida for spring training. I know there are a dozen other factors that have could have led to the decline of the franchise (see articles on the cheap ownership) but just ask Jobu – sometimes all you need is some rum or whatever helps the team win.

To THE Michael Brantley…I implore you to heal as fast as humanly possible and if possible please clone yourself so the team has any chance this year. Go Tribe!

To everyone in iPad, Smartphone and computer-land have a great Monday and may your week be full of pleasant surprises.

Peace.

Epilogue

Before my existence, the Indians went from 1960 until 1994 without placing higher than third place in their division in an era when only the first place team made the playoffs. The team last won the World Series in 1948. I was negative 24 years old at that point. Outside of the Chicago Cubs, no team has experienced a longer drought in between championships in baseball.

Love on Netflix…and then

OK so no heavy topics or ranting today. It’s Friday and I am grasping for the life preserver to get on the weekend ship.

So for my musings today I will admit in print that I just finished watching Love, A Netflix Original Series. It was 10 episodes of a geeky guy and a train-wreck of a girl and their unlikely courtship. Each episode features several classic mistakes each gender makes when ‘dating’. It is a quick (binge) watch as there are only 10 episodes. On IMDB it lists a second season in production for 2017. I hope it picks up where it left off and continues the same vibe, unlike OITNB which seemed to lose its sh!t from season two to season three. Just my opinion.

In addition to Love and OITNB, I tend to watch a couple of episodes of Awkward (MTV) on Hulu here and there. Set in a high school environment with lots of forward sexual culture but some watchability as well as you follow the main female character. Hopefully the new episodes of Ink Master (Spike TV) with appear soon on Hulu but in the meantime I can make do with Total Divas (WWE Network/E!).

Once the weather warms up I plan to get off the couch and onto the softball diamond.

Maybe for my next blog post I will delve into the piece I have been contemplating for awhile on the downfall of society commensurating with the invention of the cell phone camera.

I could really go for a Mountain Dew to pep me up this afternoon but I am trying to refrain from doing the mass caffeine thing anymore this week to possibly prolong my life by like five minutes somewhere down the road.

Remember if you have fifty dimes or one five dollar bill you have the same amount, one is just easier to carry. It’s like the age old question, what weighs more: a ton of feathers or a ton of gold? Obviously the ton of gold, if in bar format, is a little neater and cleaner to visualize. The ton of feathers is unwieldy and probably going to eventually overtake the ton of gold depending upon the humidity in the air and what type of feathers they are. That is a lot of naked birds by the way.

Do you wanna Rick Roll yourself?

On a scale of 1 to 15 of unfocusedness with 1 being the least focused and 15 being locked in a concentration trance…I think I am not drinking enough water based on the daily recommended intake amounts.

For the next two hours or so, I want you to think of your favorite number, your favorite color, your favorite movie and your favorite person to refuse a rotten apple from.

I do not know where else to take this blindfolded horse being attacked by zombie birds so I will pull the cord and parachute down gently at the end…

Peace.

Traffic Fantasy

This morning I was once again locked in a mighty epic struggle against all of humanity to keep my wits! OK it was more or less a test of patience against a few thousand drivers. Inching along a seemingly endless ribbon of asphalt with lines of vehicles stretched as far as my eye could see. Some morning rain ensured that the track would be slow and the other commuters would be on edge, made skittish like a baby goat on a frozen pond wearing Wonder Woman’s cape with a pair of bedazzled high heels tied to its little tail. This morning to keep myself from focusing on the gridlock and playing the ‘what time will I actually get to work game’ – I decided to employ my iPhone and the Podbean app to record my latest podcast. Check it out by going to Google and typing in “Podbean” and “scottlatta”. So far all the podcasts have all occurred on Thursdays – not by planning either. Weird.

So in addition to my notorious cold weather rants, I have also been known to mutter and curse about some traffic situations. Really anyone who drives a car in Missouri can probably empathize a bit. Most people have the overt rantings when someone cuts them off without using their blinker or when someone is doing 60 MPH in the fast lane with no one in front of them or when the lady in the minivan is straddling two lanes while having some sort of phone conversation as her three child hang out of various windows or when the person behind you in the beat up 1994 Chevy Cavalier keeps tailgating you (driving tailgating, not the sporting event festivities with food and alcohol) at a high rate of speed while simultaneously rummaging for something in their backseat.

Now with these instances plus a few dozen other ‘normal’ scenarios, most people blast out an F-bomb or call them a rooster-sucker or some other choice word combo from the adult’s only playbook. That is all well and good but I like to mix it up a bit. Sometimes I mentally fantasize about having telekinetic powers and blasting the offending vehicle into a rock face resulting in an explosion like you would see in a Stallone film. I used to envision a huge spatula (Spatula City! #UHF – Weird Al!) and a God-like hand to scoop and flip huge sections of the highway to clear up the congestion but that might inadvertently affect someone I like who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time so I discontinued that one. One day I did tap into the concept for the musical group A-ha’s video Take On Me but I mentally did a ghost charcoal drawing of a ramp and raised roadway that would only be accessible by myself. Not wanting to draw the attention of the FBI or any other government agencies I shelved that one too just in case.

So until my metaphysical mental abilities take hold I will be relegated to just voicing insults and retorts like the masses behind their collective steering wheels. Instead of the usual responses of flipping the bird or calling someone a MF’er or a POS I like to be more mirthy. If the offending driver is a female I simply say, “I guess you drive that badly because you are fat” – regardless of her size – it’s a universal hot button. Perhaps the driver with horrible driving etiquette is a man so, “Just because you are in a hurry to get to the pharmacy to pick up your Levitra prescription is no reason to drive like a dick!” (Obvious pun intended). For the unisex response to the multi-lane driver who does not utilize their blinker, “I understand your A-Holes Anonymous meeting ran late and you are in a hurry to get to the dealer to have your blinker worked on but remember let’s protect society, like your mom should’ve done by insisting on a condom that day long ago.” To the Speed Racer nation, for when 125 is the new 70, I wish you much luck in locating the hidden speed traps ahead. Go ahead check it out for those of us who speed but choose to maybe do only 10-15 over the limit instead of 50+ over.

These are just a few customized situations and colorful responses I have trotted out over the years. If done properly you should feel a bit amused instead of internally coiled like metal Slinky that a four year old keeps twisting and twisting and twisting.

Hope your Friday eve is treating you well and you have ingested the proper amount of fiber to ensure a healthy colon for years to come.

Peace.

01 de marzo. ¡Buen día!

Por la tarde y por la que me refiero a mí , son muy, muy feliz de decir hola ! Estoy escuchando a Maddie y Tae en Youtube o lo que se detiene al lado . bajo perfil, la cabeza hacia abajo y haciendo lo que tengo que hacer para que pueda hacer las cosas.

Apuesto a que cuando plop esto en el traductor de Google se vuelve con algunos goofyness . Las disculpas ya que no estoy en mis plenas facultades debido a un dolor de cabeza que está aumentando su intensidad . Espero volver a una mente clara después y sorprende a todos con reflexiones divertidas .

Así que voy a decir gracias para sus lectores y la promesa de hacerlo mejor .

Que tengas un gran día. Paz.

#Spanish #GoogleTranslator #Lol #NoSpellCheck