Museum of Jurassic Technology – INHALING THE SPORE!!!

A mini-rant here for fun.

In assisting my girlfriend with her online blog writing course through a local college she was required to read (multiple times) a 26 page story called Inhaling The Spore by Lawrence Weschler. This fable included fictitious mega ants, directionally challenged bats, a historic stapler and moths on display that may be Flemish or French or just tourist moths for all they know! The author’s rambling writing style made me want to conjure a portal and find this Weschler dude so I could pimp slap him a few dozen times.

But I acquiesce. I would settle for finding this man’s home and waiting until he fell asleep, then dumping a gallon container of the Megolaponera Foetens (The Stink Ant of the Cameroon) on his face. His use of the non-word ironylessness a whopping five times in this piece, alone, I think is grounds for having the skin removed from his face with a vintage cheese grater.

I think the overall message conveyed by the story is that if information is presented in an impressive way with lots of long scientific sounding jargon then it automatically has credibility – whether or not it is legit. This is my logical conclusion based on the long and winding story that shows the writer debunking the information from the first part with some old fashion research. So remember, when you look for your facts check and double check because there are wackos out there trying to BS their way.

OK I feel better. I still cannot get back the 30-40 minutes it took me to read that flop of a story but I feel a bit better getting to virtually smash Weschler’s big toe with a sledgehammer – much like his writing style. UGH.

Yeah for higher education…

ME REMAIN UNEDUCATED. ME STAY IN CAVE. NO LEARN NO MORE. REMEMBER TO REPORT WORD ABUSE TO THE INTERNET.

Peace.

Google Love

Need to know the exchange rate for Euros to US Dollars? Google it.

How many crows does it take to comprise a ‘murder of crows’? Google Baby!

Need a cat video to cheer you up? Google it but be careful to specific cute cat videos to avoid some other euphemism for cats.  😉

No idea what the artist or name of a song is but know a passage of a verse – pop that sh!t into Google and boom mystery solved Scooby.

Some people may use Bing! or Dogpile or Yahoo Search or the myriad of other options available but for the most part Google has always been a standup dude to me so I am brand loyal.

If you ever forget how to get to my Blog – guess where you can find me? 🙂

Have a great Thursday and hug someone today. If you choose  to hug a random person you may want to have the Google app handy in case you need medical care afterwards or legal representation if you are arrested for sexual harassment.

Nodding it out to a little Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody at the moment so – Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters…

Common Ground

In a very primal way
It is plain to see
You are so like me
But I’m not like you

All the walls, I see through
Stones in both my hands
I go to work, throwing blindly
Walk straight through, bleeding

Is today my last day
Breathing and laughing among you
On the one hand, I have no power
In the other one I do

I’m so tired I can’t sleep
closing my eyes, makes everything louder
The internal dialogue never stops
I feel my mind shatter into pieces

There’s a smile twitching there
Or is my real face showing
If only it would rain
And just never stop coming down

The full of the empty bottle
Only makes me run from the crowd
No good answers, just more questions
It makes my head and soul hurt so deep

My glass house is in ruins
Skeletons dragged out for all to see
Judge me on my knees, head down
And carry out my sentence

There seems to be no common ground
For me to meet the world on
No one reads my open book
And knows what I’m saying, true

The Lager Sluggers Softball Club

Hello and welcome to this edition of What’s in my Brain Today.

Today is January 27th and it’s five days before the Superbowl pitting the New England Patriots versus the ugly and clashing uniforms of the Seattle Seahawks. Most people in the state of Missouri and well beyond the Show Me State’s borders seem to harbor some resentment or loathing of the NFL Patriots. I personally do not really care who wins the Superbowl (my girlfriend is a Patriots fan) but I would like to see the Patriots win just based on the statistical benefit I received from Gronk and Brady in the fantasy football arena. Otherwise bring on the commercials that I cannot hear.

There is an image attached to this post and is at the heart of this post’s submission. It shows 11 guys and a dog (Walter) posing in front of a tree at the end of a night of softball at Wilmore Park. This picture was taken on the ‘small’ field directly behind Walgreen’s opposite the ‘river’ Des Peres. The Lager Sluggers ruled that park when the likes of Sportscenter, D-Myz, Freddie, Borgs, Big Dawg, Huey Dawg, Commish, Wamp, Font, Brum, Gus, Darryl, T-Dub, Fozzie, Cartman, Noose, Bo, Eazy, Freak, Jojo, Big Chad, Limpert, BDR, Tiny, Thurm, Hot Rod, Silver and some other ghosts of years gone by laced’em up. Back then the bat technology was more metal and muscle than composite technology. If you heard someone smack talking you it more than likely was coming from your own bench.

I cut my softball teeth with this group and got initiated like all the rest. At first glance, these guys seemed more worried about how much was left in their coolers than what the score was on the field but then Commish would bellow “Let’s hit the damn ball!” and the fun loving Sluggers would morph into a well oiled machine. The open fields of Wilmore Park meant if you could hit it over the outfielder’s head or between the outfielders, you could run and earn your home run or in Commish’s case his team record for triples.

Nostalgia creeps in. How radically different things are from 10 years ago. My hairstyle! No more glasses after lasik eye surgery. My home life. My lack of pets. No gutter cleaning duties. My waistline now is closer to when I was in high school. It sometimes just catches you in a vortex in the reaches of your mind how things evolve. How things that were important then now do not exist or have been replaced by new priorities and goals and facial hair.

So I look back on the original Lager Slugger group and how many of them are now scattered to parts unknown or no longer play softball and it releases a feeling of melancholy. Not saying all the original guys were saints or Robin Williams with their wit – it was just a different feeling and vibe with that group. Crass, beer chugging dudes being vulgar and posturing to post the best stats and get all the bragging rights on the now defunct LagerSluggers.com website (http://www.geocities.ws/lagersluggers.2004/) . Most of the original cast is not involved with the Lager Sluggers for softball purposes either due to age, geography or family responsibilities. And that is fine. The 1982 St Louis Cardinals look nothing like the 2015 St Louis Cardinals. Things change. Whether you want them to or not – life marches on. The 2014/2105 incarnation of the Lager Sluggers is/will still be run by Commish or Joe as he is known outside of softball community but the primordial fire is clearly out. The merchandise still sells well but the Lager Slugger franchise is actually dead – like zombie Walking Dead dead.

I am 42 years old as of the writing of this post. My goals in softball and baseball (yes, I’m giving it a shot this spring) or whatever activities I partake in are modest. Enjoy the experience and strive to give my full effort and try to max out my abilities such as they are and the outcome will be what it is. (The sports gods are fickle and sometimes your best just isn’t enough.) I like to compete and surround myself with people whom I enjoy spending time with and genuinely care to know what is going on with them so in that respect the Lager Sluggers with live on forever as family if not as a physical softball team.

Anyway, just taking a trip down memory lane with a few memories of big hits in the park, miscues that cost games / t-shirts and of good times with good friends that I will cherish until my heart stops and my breathing ceases for eternity.

Careful out there and can’t wait to hear someone say, Play Ball!

Fork

I may have a dirty fork on my desk that has been there since 2014. Bring on the CSI team.

At the end of the road, it forks: left or right. Left to go home. Right to go home but it takes longer.

There is a song by Information Society (http://informationsociety.us) called A Knife & A Fork. By the way, I just discovered they have a new album from 2014. Who knew??? Music theft in progress.

It’s not wise to slide back in forth, the length of the bath tub, with a fork in both hands. You may lose your security deposit or puncture your shampoo.

Some people ‘fork’ the sign of the devil at you if you scare them with your behavior. I give them the OK sign back or ‘the shocker’.

Plastic forks get thrown away at a rate of half a billion a day. It may be true. Chew on that.

There are no verifiable statistics on how many people are medically treated for a fork stuck in their eyeballs. But you know it happens…just how much?

If chili doesn’t have alot of moisture in it you can eat it with a fork while wearing a white shirt. Why is the chili at Steak N Shake never the same twice? Yummy all the same, just never the same twice in consistency.

In the 1997 movie, As Good As It Gets featuring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt, Jack’s character Melvin is a germ-a-phobe and visits Helen Hunt’s place of work aka restaurant where her character is Carol. Melvin’s character doesn’t like public utensils and brings his own silverware, yes including a fork!

OK no point to be found here just emptying the Clifford Clavin trunk. Useless information wants to be loved too!

It’s Thursday. Building towards Friday. Throw a softball or a dodgeball today. Make the time and do it. It’s fun.

OK until next time thanks for the time and peace to you.

Back from the dead…

OK technically I never died this weekend but there were periods of time where that alternative seemed like the best way to go. Prolonged periods of material exiting your bodily orifices at a high rate of speed is exhausting and painful. Throw into the mix it being a one bathroom apartment with a momma and a four year old boy experiencing the same symptoms makes for a most unpleasant long weekend, not to mention the surface(s) cleanup, laundry and accompanying smells.

But enough about the inner workings of my bowels, how was your weekend? I heard the weather was nice here in the St Louis area. With the Norovirus-type epidemic running rampant through the home front, plans of taking a trip to the park for a bike ride and subsequent weekly softball were wisely discarded in lieu of lying around watching TV and eyeballing the mounds of laundry. Because let’s face it, in most social circles no one wants to hang around someone who is puking on their handlebars or sh!tting themselves into oblivion every fifteen minutes or so (unless you are at a party for one year old children then I think it’s pretty much expected).

A minimal silver lining is I might have finally slipped those final few pounds that the BMI (Body Mass Index) is stating I need to lose to stop being obese and be ‘normal’. We do not have a scale in the home and I cannot accurately judge my own weight so I will have to wait (Weight) and see. Ha. See what I did there? Wait (weight)? It’s a phonetic joke. OK OK. I can do better…

Happy Hump Day by the way. If you are celibate or smoke Camel brand cigarettes your take on today may be different than other people but nonetheless have a great day.

In the works: I plan to try to incorporate more coherentness for my next blog but today is a hot mess on a hot plate of hot sauce and random things that don’t gel or stick to the plate especially when the plate is turned vertically. Good luck to you today and I hope you do not get chapped lips by confusing your Chapstick with a glue stick.

Journey…The Band and literally

Good afternoon those of you mooching wi-fi access at the Eiffel Tower in France right now sipping a warm soda with a light jacket on (it is only 50 degrees and partly cloudy there right now) as you dodge tourists and pigeon rectal evacuations.

For the rest of us on this side of the Atlantic Ocean in the mid states its a notch or two colder and we love the cold (Sarcasm!). This morning I am looping through an extensive playlist of my Journey favorites that contain versions with Steve Perry and Arnel Pineda. For the record my favorite Steve Perry with Journey album is Escape and my favorite post Perry album is Revelation. When a very successful, high profile and popular band has to replace the lead signer (ala Van Halen) the guy stepping into the singer’s shoes will forever be compared to the foundation of that band’s music regardless of talent and style. Pineda like Sammy Hagar, in my opinion, stepped in and made the songs his and gave the music his own energy and I enjoy it and applaud both.

I have been a very huge fan of Journey ever since high school and I got a chance at the high school dance with my mister who was ready to play…wait…OK strike the Aerosmith from the record. But for the truth at every Grandview middle school and high school dance you could bet you would hear some Open Arms by Journey (I think they hired the same DJ perpetually). Memories of a darkened gymnasium and that frightening throng of young ladies for potential dance partners. Oh the mind f$%# that time was. Walk over with your fragile confidence and ask a girl to dance and get laughed at or just dismissed. Ah the adrenaline of pure terror. lol.

It’s funny the things you unconsciously associate that work their way into your human fabric. Journey, in a few incarnations, has been around for 15 studio albums and 41 years so far. They are a metaphor for life I think. The band and sound today are radically different from their origins in 1973 just like the members and supporting cast have changed. Some people will just relive the glory years that the band is mostly known for and discard the new stuff because they don’t want to have to accept or try to appreciate the new songs or direction. I think some people miss the boat on this one. Just like the jocks or beauty queens who never leave high school in their minds when things were at their feet and now the real world punches you in the mouth whenever it feels like it.

Oh, wheel in the sky keeps on turnin…don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow…

If you watched American Idol or know someone who did (or still does smh) then be advised that Randy Jackson (Yo Dawg!) was once a member of the band – Troof!

Anyway, I thank you for following my classic rock tangent through the twisty turny goofiness that I spin. As I listen to When You Love a Woman and I feel all melancholy I leave you to your Journey.

Peace.

Office Space Redux

RANT ALERT:
It amuses me to no end how much my work week resembles the cult movie classic Office Space featuring Jennifer Aniston and Ron Livingston created by Beavis and Butthead genius Mike Judge. And when I say amuses me, what I really mean is how demoralizing and defeating it is.  😉

From the malfunctioning office equipment to the nonstop lack of communication between personnel on priorities and philosophy – it’s just comical.

This is the most important thing EVER, do it right now!!!…then no one ever opens the email or reviews the reports.

What is going on with (this really insignificant thing that has never been a priority in the four years I have been with the company but now the CEO of the company is asking questions and we are freaked out so please please please have a good answer that we can show them)?

Add this to the list of log ons and passwords you need to remember along with the other 17 systems and please make sure to not repeat any of them for security purposes and it must be dynamic with four capital letters, at least two punctuation marks, eleven non-repeating numbers and ending with an emoji. But please do not store or write these log ons down anywhere even though they expire every 30 days and if you fail to set up a new one you are locked out of the computer system and have to put in helpdesk ticket to have them reset once they get back to you within 48 hours. Smh.

You are doing such a great job in doing the work for the 9 other people we let go…here’s some more work and you better do a good job or else you will be outsourced. Come to think of it, you are doing such a good job cleaning things up we will probably outsource you anyway because you made the workload more manageable for someone overseas who will do the job for half of your salary and no benefits including working in the middle of the night.

OK as I let my blood pressure idle down a bit and I consider selling magazine subscriptions – let me just sing a few choruses of Damn It Feels Good To Be a Ganster.

Yeah, that would be greaaaaaaat.

Monnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnday

Goooooooood morning Viet Nam! Or more than likely here stateside since that is where the bulk of my readers log in! Shout out to Robin Williams ghost who is 154 days old in the afterlife. I assume once you leave the plain of existence your ‘service’ time in your body starts over as a spirit encapsulated as a mind only. But who knows? It’s just fun to think radically with a sprinkle of logic and see where that takes you on a philosophical level.

Softball update: I got to play a men’s tournament on Saturday in the blistering, chafing cold. My team bowed out after three games to the tune of a 1 win and 2 loss showing. I played third base on the slick, Plinko turf at Sun Valley Sports Complex in Pevely, Missouri. I made a few plays – one error and went 6 for 9 at the plate for the day with three Runs Batted In (no home runs). In the Sunday coed version of the tourney, I again started the day at third base but after a few innings was called into duty to pitch. Alas we lost the first game in extra frames 14-13 but then I pitched us to wins in the next three games thanks to some clutch hits by my teammates to take us to the championship game. Unfortunately there we could go no further as our bats grew cold on the misty, rain slick yellow field facing the railroad tracks. I didn’t hit too bad on the day (no home runs here either, lol) but I was able to drive in a few runs and still bat above .700 (10 for 14). At the end we got to line up for a team photo in the drizzle (not to be confused with Nikki Bizzle) as the second place finisher and received a plaque so all in all a good day. Shout out to Stephanie for producing the only ever walk-off strikeout to win the game for our team (she struck out as the time limit expired with us ahead and only one out). In the next game, she followed that up with a second walk-off to send us to the championship with a legit single to left over the shortstop’s head. Kudos lady Steph! 🙂

Oh well. Its back to the grind. Hope everyone is having a good day and pour in that coffee if you need it.  🙂

Peace.

Social Media / Public Opinion

I find it fascinating how many responses I get to my various forms of social media: Twitter (@oohaw94), Facebook (scott.latta.7), Instagram (@oohaw94) and my blog here obviously. For the most part I get quite a bit of positive and funny feedback. Alot of: Hey I like your crazy stuff or I only log into Facebook to read your statuses and much along those lines. Then of course there are going to be the detractors…

As Taylor Swift sang – Taters gonna tate, tate, tate or something along those lines. Most people whom I come into contact with either in person or virtually get a sense that I am not always walking a common or logical path. They find my perspective intriguing or amusing so when I get flack from someone I ‘know’ it doesn’t really bother me so much as it just makes me wonder if that person is having that time of the month or just wants to start a pointless argument.

Regardless I enjoy purging my thoughts into the various outlets with Twitter and Facebook getting the bulk of my offshoots. Facebook typically gets the bulk of the PG friendly material and Twitter is mostly for my ventings and things with a bit more bite (like the bitter cold weather we have experienced here in the midwest in the last 48 hours).

So as I listen to one of my favorite bands (The Band Perry) I let it roll off (no I am not shaking it off) that I am not universally appreciated and loved but it doesn’t matter. No one is going to please every one every day every time. So breathe and keep doing what you like to do and what makes you the you that you are.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed so I’ll work with today until today doesn’t flip the page anymore.

Peace out and let’s do this again soon…

It’s 9 degrees outside

Not only is the temperature a single digit number but also throw in a nasty, biting wind and it is ridiculous to step foot outside right now. Someone (Mr B’s mom) accurately predicted another cold weather rant this week so I give her mad props for having an insight into how my mind works a little bit. I dislike the cold and the collateral damage of limited outdoor activities available due to frost bite and hypothermia. Did I agree to play outdoor softball this Saturday?? Mother Nature is such a meanie!

We are still 12 days away from MLK Day and the New Year’s Day holiday is almost a week in the rearview mirror so its a little bit of a dead zone. On the upside I am really enjoying life after cable thanks to Netflix and Hulu Plus. I have got caught up on the last two seasons of Ink Master (from Spike TV) and I still get to watch most of the major network shows I came to enjoy – next up: Total Divas (WWE)! A tad disappointed that The Walking Dead and American Horror Story are not up to the current season on those outlets but I can be patient.

For those wondering, I did not make any New Year’s Resolutions not because I am perfect but because I procrastinated too long on thinking about doing so and now here we are.

Oh well, I hope everyone is staying warm and healthy (cough cough hack hack). There are 23.5 more days left in January and who knows what the whimsical universe has in store. Stay tuned.

Tweet Tweet (that’s the social media version not a birdie). Peace.

Blog 2015

BIGGER! LOUDER! UNCUT!

Please note the text will still be mostly in English with my applied thought of how it should be used.

Welcome to January 2015. It’s darn cold here in the Show Me State. Show Me What? Frozen puddles? My breath when I exhale? Road crud on the side of my car because its too frickin cold to go through the car wash because it freezes and just makes weird swirl patterns in the dirt and salt?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

OK. My first cold weather rant of the season is out of the way.

Everyone be safe and warm out there. I received the scarf I requested of Santa plus some warm gloves as a bonus. Unfortunately I was not smart enough to employ said gloves when I got out to scrap the ice off my windshield wipers this morning. Oh well. I’m sure I will get another opportunity to utilize them in the near future.

Everyone be safe and warm out there. What? I already said that? #@%Y#^@#$QEF%$@$WRE!!!

OK everyone enjoy some Nilla wafers and milk unless you cannot tolerate dairy and glutens. I will be back soon with hopefully more focus and cutting edge topics…oh look I found a dirty spork on my desk. I remember this one time as a kid I bit into a spork and it cracked and cut the inside of my cheek and I could taste the blood mixing with my KFC mashed potatoes and gravy. Oddly enough it still tasted pretty good and I ended up using my finger to get the rest of the potatoes out and just tilted my head to eat on the opposite side of the cut on cheek. What was I saying? Oh yes. Next time. Better focus. Right.

Happy New Year Bi—- Bi-Daily Readers! 🙂