Cincinnati

I’m in Cincinnati for work! That’s all.

Peace.

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Talladega Nights – Step Brothers Shenanigans

Sometimes me and my friend Mike will slip into a vortex of movie quotes. The easiest for us are probably the Will Ferrell movies Talladega Nights and Step Brothers. So sit back and scroll to the bottom! Enjoy!  Continue reading “Talladega Nights – Step Brothers Shenanigans”

Make that joke

Sometimes what a situation needs is a joke. Standing next to the casket and the deceased is smiling. A thought steals across your brain. This guy is smiling because he doesn’t have to deal with Facebook anymore! Bwahaha.

Inappropriate humor is my strong suit. Grossly inappropriate humor at that. I cannot help myself. I think wicked and clever things (at least in my mind). Luckily I have learned to suppress expressing these thoughts aloud or in writing to not offend the overly religious, elderly, ugly, family oriented, short, tall, disabled, racially different, snooty, Hoosiery and easily butthurt individuals. Most days the thoughts discarded are enough to make my tongue bleed from biting it lest the evil, evil words be loosed upon humanity. OK truth be told I think a lot of stupid things that make me giggle and most people would just cock their heads sideways and say “Huh?” As long as I am amused, it doesn’t matter what other people think! This is a mantra I have embraced for years. Occasionally a warped soul will endear themselves to me and I will loop them in on something I am thinking to test the waters. If they laugh or high-five me, they are granted access to the inner circle…if they make a face opposite of a smile or stare blankly, I quickly change the subject or flee the vicinity. My friend Mel is one of the few people who have been granted inner circle VIP status. We love pets and value them more than most people. I am always on the lookout for a few good people who know sarcasm and how to practice its dark arts.

So as you traverse the precious few days remaining in September 2017, I bid you adieu, to you and you and you. The hills are alive with the sound of haters. So maybe TuPac’s ghost will come down from his secret mansion and fart in your mouth while you sleep if you are a non-believer of the sarcasm. This is a powerful religion and all those who embrace it, will be given everlasting entertainment. Can I get an amen or at least some Top Ramen?

Peace.

Let’s Play A Game

OK ready, set, go!

Name something that sets you off. When I saw sets you off, I mean something that makes you outwardly or inwardly cringe.

I’m just having one of those weeks where so many stimuli are pounding my brain and I’m doing my best to not say mean, hurtful and honest things. But that’s what resumes are for I guess…

Hope your week and plans are going well. By the by, if you would like to share your gripes you can hit me up on Facebook, Twitter or send me a text.

Have a splendid Thursday.

Peace.

Before the next ice age hits…

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I know we do not have much time left. The end all be all of storms is headed this way and there is no amount of bread, milk and bananas that will allow us as a species to withstand the doom it must surely unleash.

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I just wanted to thank everyone who has read my blog, Facebook page, Tumblr page and all the thousands of mindless tweets. If you have heard my voice in podcast format, then may that comfort you in the final hours we have left before the Earth is entombed in a sheath of ice that causes it to break out of it’s orbit and go careening every which way to another galaxy far, far away.

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Or…maybe the professional weather guessers will be wrong yet again. Ooooh. I wonder if Vegas has betting odds on such frivolities? I bet they do… See what I did there? I think maybe I have been hanging around with my podcast partner Jeremy too much and that has awoken my inner reckless gambler.

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Today is Thursday, January 12th in the year 2017. If the end does arrive, I hope all of the internet servers are preserved by the cold and the next incarnation of the human race or alien intelligence discovers my words many eons into the future and wonders…what the heck is this?

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On the off chance that this is not the end of the path, have a great day and may your weekend not involve any extraneous traffic accidents.

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Peace and warmth and love my friends.

 

Sports Stalkers

Today is Sunday (Christmas Day) and normally I would be prepping for a Sunday night podcast episode  (on the Podbean app) with my softball buddy Jeremy in his sports dungeon (finished basement). But as it is Christmas, it is a time to spend with your families so we will do the fourth installment of the podcast on another day. Our third episode was this past Wednesday (Hump Daaaaay!) as a two man show. Our first show was a two-man production and we brought in fellow softballer Dustin for the second show to run the ‘board’ and queue up stats, videos, sounds bytes, etc.

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However, due to Mother Nature imposing her will on the atmosphere our third show was postponed from last Sunday night until this past Wednesday. Dustin was unable to be in attendance as daddy duty called and we here at Sports Stalkers completely support that position. Jeremy has his two sons and I often am left in charge of young Ayden so we completely understand and respect the need to be absent. He will however be fined for missing work and/or be subject to ridicule for being a Philadelphia Eagles fan.

So as A New Nightmare (Freddy) plays in the background (very Christmassy I know), I am thinking of ideas for the next show. In the present format we speak our thoughts on baseball which predominantly revolves around the St Louis Cardinals. Here and there I interject footnotes pertaining to my reigning American League Champion Cleveland Indians and maybe a scrap or two about significant other moves of the other 28 teams but mostly it’s Cardinals Talk. From there we randomly piece together some football notes and then another large segment is dedicated to the St Louis Blues hockey team. Notice I did not say a hockey segment because in reality we focus 98 percent on the Blues and casual mentions of the teams they play…and take potshots at the Detroit Red Wings or how close the Blues are to the first place Chicago Blackhawks.

If you haven’t listened to the show yet, please check it out and let me know your thoughts. We generally are looking to record one show per week as time allows. Each show will generally be around 90 minutes but the first one was nearly two hours. Once softball season approaches (April) it will be intriguing to see if we can maintain the pace and keep our listeners interested. Only time will tell.

In addition to the podcast on Podbean (Sports Stalkers), you can find us on Twitter (@STLSportsstalk) and Facebook (Sports Stalkers). Obviously Jeremy and I have our own social media accounts too.

In closing, I would like to take this chance to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my dedicated readers. Hope you and yours stay safe, warm and prosperous in the coming months with many furry companions!   🙂

Have a great Sunday (Christmas) and peace!

Ouija Board Discussion

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Jon Santa Cruz / Rex Features (582062k) Ouija board with pointer VARIOUS - 2006

Good day to you. This morning in the car on the way to drop the boy off at school I was engaged in an uneasy discussion. The six year old strapped into his car seat was holding a piece of notebook paper. In one corner was the word YES and the other corner the word NO. I inquired where the paper came from and Ayden said he made it at softball last night and it was a Ouija Board.

Interesting.

I asked him: “Who told you about Ouija Boards?” He indicated one of the older boys he was running about with around the ball fields. I asked: “Did this boy have a name?” As per usual, he responded that he did but he didn’t remember what it was. Ayden is notorious for playing with other children for an extended period of time without knowing what their name is. Often-times he will call them kid or just say hey repeatedly until he has their attention…and can get them to do his bidding. (evil laughter) Anywho, he began to tell me about his notebook paper Ouija Board. You put it down flat, ask a question, then spin around five times until you get dizzy and put your finger down on the paper and that is your answer (whichever word your finger is closer to).

Again interesting.

So I asked him: “Who is answering the question?” His response: A ghost. From here he told me Ouija Boards are real and you are talking to a real ghost. I said, I see. He then said the question he asked was: Do you (the ghost) mean to do me any harm? At this point I was getting a bit creeped out. This sounds like the intro to so many B Horror films. Kids playing and unknowingly stumble onto a presence and release the black vapor demons to terrorize all mankind. You know, the usual stuff. I then proceeded to ask him: “How do you know if the ghost was a good ghost or a bad ghost?” He said the ghost answered ‘NO’ to the question about doing any harm. Of course I followed up with: “Well wouldn’t the ghost lie to you if they did mean you harm? Because if it said it was going to do you harm, you would stop talking to it right?” He agreed and then said, he thought maybe the ghost was tricking him.
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Timeout. I am 44 years old and in the entirety of my life, I have never-ever played with a Ouija Board. The reason? It spooks me. I am not worldly or overly spiritual but I have some common sense and logic in my holster. There are so many things unexplained over the course of mankind’s time on this Earth. Do I think there are ghosts and spirits potentially out there? Yes I do. I cannot see them and have never experienced them first-hand (that I know of) but you just never know. So with that being said, it would just be my luck that I will never win the Powerball lottery but I would somehow lock onto the frequency channel of some evil or pissed off entity that would haunt and follow me for all my days. Just saying.
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Young master Ayden, who is all of six years old, pretty much went on and on about his Ouija Board and all of the cool things he could do with it for the 15 minute ride to school. As we pulled up to the school, I called upon him to drop the topic and try not to bring it up at school lest the teachers think him/us a little cuckoo. I imagine that little talk went in one ear and out the other ear as soon as it was time to sit down and color or draw today. Because as most kids his age are, when they come up with an idea that is new and ‘cool’, of course you have to share it and see if that will become the sensation among the 6 and under crowd. Now I know I am probably blowing this topic out of proportion, after-all kids have vivid imaginations and what harm can come from pretending to talk to ghosts? Heck some of them still have imaginary friends. Ayden himself has talked about his friend “Frinkle” whom we cannot see and his exploits that often seem to run parallel to the most recent movie plots we have watched.
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When it comes to horror movies I love watching them and getting spooked with a well executed scare. There were many nights when I was ten or so that I remember sitting on my bed, under the covers, with the lights on late at night listening for the telltale groan of a floorboard or a door creaking open. My mom and I shared that love of the macabre and occasionally scaring each other. It’s a bonding thing. Kristi and Ayden share that same bond, although as he gets older and he starts comprehending a little more, he cries off before the really scary parts unfold. Perhaps I will dig out my movie Witchboard (about a Ouija Board) for him to watch and see if he still thinks they are so cool. (evil laughter echoing and echoing)
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With two and a half weeks until Halloween, maybe put the Ouija Boards away until the pilgrim holiday? Maybe? Please?

Have a great day and check me out on my other social media outlets: Podcast (Podbean), Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and of course this blog and the hundreds of posts from yours truly! Peace.

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No Halloween This Year (New Story Excerpt)

Chapter One

Corey swung his legs over the side of the bed. It was still dark outside and only the green glow from the alarm clock provided any illumination. He leaned over and switched off the alarm that was still 15 minutes away from sounding. Faintly he could hear the TV on downstairs. The only person in this house who slept less than he did was Gramps. With a groan, his feet slowly descended to the cool hardwood floor. Coming to a standing position, Corey felt and heard his lower back crack and pop. Some days on the farm made him feel like he was forty-five not his actually twenty-five.

Five minutes later, Corey was dressed for a dirty work day and on the stairs headed downstairs. About three steps from the bottom, the smell of strong coffee filled his nose. Gramps loved him some strong coffee but Corey never really developed a taste for the stuff. Give him a kidney killing energy drink or an ice cold beer and he had the whole day covered beverage-wise. The TV volume grew louder. Corey cut through the kitchen and into the living room.

Gramps was in his favorite overalls sitting forward in his burgundy leather recliner staring intently at the TV mounted above the fireplace with remote in hand. On the screen an attractive blonde female news reporter was standing in a field gesturing behind her.

“…local farmer Mackenzie Brooks made the discovery and subsequently called the police to report the vandalism. When we spoke to police chief Al Warrenton he said, the case was actually classified as a theft. Five acres worth of pumpkins, of all things, were stolen. The thieves picked everything clean. Not a single pumpkin, not even the rotten ones were left. The whole field was picked completely clean. Mr. Brooks estimated that there were probably five to six hundred pumpkins here just yesterday and now, nothing.”

Corey felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end for a second and then the sensation passed.

Gramps thumbed the well-worn Mute button on the remote and tossed it onto the couch cushion next to him. “Aint that some donkey dumps”, he muttered.

“Morning Gramps.”

Gramps full body flinched before turning a surly eye to Corey. “Damn it, Corey. You practicing to be a ninja again?”

When Corey had been younger and into Kung Fu plus the Ninja Turtles, he used to sneak around and tried to spook everyone in an unsuspecting moment. Once he had caught Gramps in the bathroom by surprise while he was standing in front of the commode doing his business. It was a lesson learned in consequences and also in adult vocabulary. Simultaneously Gramps sprayed Corey with a stream of curses and also some asparagus enhanced urine. From that day forth, Corey learned the bathroom was a safe zone for all shenanigans.

“Sorry Gramps, no need to be all pissy.”

Gramps rolled his eyes and shook his head at the much used pun. “Funny. You see that story on the TV from Virginia about that pumpkin farmer that got robbed? What’s this world coming to?”

Corey shrugged, “I dunno. Every day it seems the world thinks of weirder and weirder stuff to do to each other. What time is Marquez showing up today? He is supposed to help me on the south side according to the schedule.”

A frown creased Gramps face. “Well if he puts in an effort like he did for me yesterday, I hope his sorry butt stays home. I aint gonna keep paying him to half-ass it. Lots to get done in the next couple of weeks and he has been useless as truck with no tires.”

Nodding, Corey grabbed the last wheat bagel and a cold Venom energy drink from the fridge before heading for the front door. “I’m going to go out to the barn and check on that litter of puppies before I get started.”

“You shoulder probably eat more than that”, Gramps indicated by nodding towards the bagel.

With a big smile Corey took a big bite of the bagel and mumbled around the mouthful, “I will at brunch.” And with that turned and went out the front door. The screen door closed with a hollow muffled sound. Two quick steps and he was boots on gravel headed for the green barn. Gramps called them the Christmas barns as the one on the south side was green and the one on the north side was a faded red.

After a quick check on the litter of mutt pups nursing and sleeping up against Molly the collie, Corey pulled the string on the overhead naked bulb to extinguish the light. He had left the light on for them overnight but they could deal with the dark for another 45 minutes or so until sunrise. Retracing his steps to the entrance of the barn, he had done this so many times he didn’t need to see, he paused. On the front of the barn was a motion activated flood light that had been tripped when he had approached. It lit a circular area of about 25 feet directly in front of the barn entrance. The glow was a bit dulled by dirt and dead bugs that accumulated on the surface of the light. An odd thought occurred to him. Around the far side was a quarter field of pumpkins that they grew each year for the local town festival for the week leading up to Halloween. He decided to make a deviation from his normal routine and go check on them.

Stepping out of the light and into the shadows, Corey walked the path that was outlined with inset square concrete stepping stones. The stones made getting between the barn and the field gate less like walking in quicksand during the rainy seasons. Overhead the stars were muted and seemed to be in retreat with dawn soon to arrive. His boots made almost no noise except a swishing sound through the almost grass that was in need of having a final cut this year. Just ahead the path inclined and the four foot gate loomed as a gray shadow against the darkness.

Corey reached the gate and worked the stubborn bolt free to open the gate and let it swing inward a few feet of its own volition. It took a few seconds of squinting before Corey could process what he was seeing…or not seeing.

 

Chapter Two

Out of the fire and into another fire

All the hurry up in my soul
All the noise in my head
All I want to do is
What I want to do the most
But I’m waiting for the sky
To rain an eternity down on me
Just drown out my sad little voice
Under a cold and bitter stream

For awhile I want to scream
For awhile I feel the need
All the while the sun softly mocks me
But it can’t burn me, I’m a ghost
Seems I have left no trace
To prove I was even here in this place
Goodbye to my all my friends
Goodbye sun as night hurries to replace

Never was, never just the way
Never the reason for someone to stay
You just never know do you
Stepping into Hell to meet the host
Eternity walking on bare feet
Hot coals between your toes
All the demons for your mind
No changing forever and so it goes

Music

GE
Good day! I thought I would bust out a Tuesday edition of ye ole blog! Yar! Pirates sometimes be literate too!

Anyway, I was just singing in the car this morning to some Linkin Park when my phone which doubles as my MP3 player paused the song for a second while an email notification popped through. It was a harsh reminder that I am not gifted with a pleasant singing voice. I believe the term is tone deaf to be very kind.

I remember my music teacher Paula Martin from Grandview Elementary School telling us in music class to sing with emotion and embrace the songs. One day, she came up behind me while my head was down ‘reading’ the music I was singing. She patted my shoulder and gave me a sad look. I knew right then and there I was not going to be feeding myself or my future family based on my vocal stylings. Don’t get me wrong, she never actually said, hey you don’t need to sing so loud because you really, REALLY suck but that look said I hope you enjoy singing as much as I like it when you stop.

The same goes for any other musical talents. I can’t keep the rhythm. Gloria Estefan promised the rhythm was going to get me. She lied big time. Drums, guitars, other percussion instruments, woodwind instruments…it did not matter. I even screw up the obligatory hand clapping segment of concerts. Rhythm and musical talent has played hide and seek with me and I am still looking.

Some people just look at a piano or guitar and it makes sense or flows from them naturally. I can appreciate their talents from afar on planet Don’t Give Me Any Instrument To Play. Their gifts are appreciated by my ears but alas I am bereft of ability to give music to the universe I live in aside from pressing play.

Have an essentially positive day full of proper fluid intake!

Only two weeks and one day until Christmas Eve!
Shop Shop Shop!

Peace.